Glue huffing lounges are the next big money making opportunity in Vancouver

THIS IS SATIRE. HUFFING GLUE IS ONE OF THE WORST DECISIONS A PERSON CAN MAKE. WE DO NOT CONDONE IT.

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Sniffly Bob’s Huffing Emporium is not a real business, nor do we promote the idea of abusing inhalants. This is a satirical column.

Last week it was decided by the B.C. Supreme Court that all illegal cannabis dispensaries in Vancouver must shut down.

The timing of this chapter in the city’s story closing couldn’t be better for me; it’s given me the opportunity to get some press around the new business venture I’m launching with partners in 2019.

The first Bob’s Huffing Emporium will open its doors across the street from the Britannia Community Centre on the Drive. We’ll provide a chill space for people to purchase and do inhalants with their friends, and we’re looking to have a presence in every neighbourhood by 2022.

What sparked this decision? History, of course. It repeats itself. Based on the past decisions of our City, mayor, council and police force I see a massive opportunity for this disruptive business in Vancouver.

Back in 2013 when there were a paltry 29 illegal cannabis stores operating here, it was “not a priority” of the VPD’s to shut them down. They said they were busy focusing on violent drug crime that posed a threat to the public.

While the mayor and Vancouver’s Chief of Police operate at arms length, and the mayor is (and was) the chairperson of the VPD’s board, the official line is that they’re independent and one does not rule the other.

However you would probably be safe in your assumption – should you make one – that Gregor Robertson’s Vision Vancouver majority council and City of Vancouver staff let the VPD know that they were working on a plan to bring in business licenses for dispensaries, and to relax if they were considering any sort of enforcement.

The pot shops flourished, the VPD enforced the law around violent drug crimes, and no majority-holding politicians addressed the fact that the cannabis supply came in from who-knows-where (everyone knows: a lot of it comes from organized crime, who may or may not be involved in that “violent drug crime” that the VPD were focused on addressing).

The City waited a whole five years to appear to get tough with the shops, after the federal government came in and completely solved the problem for them.

Zero political capital was spent locally on resolving the issue yet Vision Vancouver is gone, like a puff of smoke ripped from a bong at Hollyhock on Cortes Island.

All of this is to say that I’m delighted about the potential of this new venture I’m launching. It will be wildly successful.

A large part of the genius of Bob’s Huffing Emporium is that we won’t even have to turn to the black market to supply us with our product. Glue is readily available everywhere, and our core competency will be not only providing the finest quality and selection of these inhalants to our customers but also an environment with a relaxed westcoast vibe in which they can consume them in the company of friends.

The financial projections we’ve run are that our first year will be fairly slow. Year two will begin to look promising as people start to catch on that they won’t have to call some shady glue dealer to get their fix any more. By year five we’ll be printing money, and even though competition will have popped up all around us we’ll have established ourselves as the go-to for glue huffing in Vancouver.

Technically it’s not illegal to huff glue, nor to the best of my knowledge is it illegal to sell glue to willing adults who wish to use it. The City will lose their goddamned minds trying to figure out how to shut us down while we count stacks of cash then legally deposit it all into our bank account.

By the time the feds move in and regulate us we’ll be on to the next thing. I’m not yet sure what that will be, but Kennedy Stewart’s moves at city hall will educate that next – totally legal – business move.

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This is Vancouver’s Stupidest Politics Column, and this edition is satirical. We don’t condone huffing glue nor is our founder opening up a chain of glue huffing stores called Bob’s Huffing Emporium. That would be the stupidest thing ever.