This game was hard to watch. Well actually, logistically speaking, it was quite easy. It was easy to locate on my channel guide, my kids were all out of the house for the majority of the game, and there were no power outages or other interruptions to the television signal.
Likewise, my vision was clear, so the light from the images on the screen easily entered my cornea, through my pupils, and hit my retina, sending millions of light impulses through the nerve fibers to the optic nerve. The optic nerve then carried the electrical impulses to the brain without difficulty.
It’s when those signals hit my brain and were interpreted and set into a narrative structure that the problems started. Because suddenly I couldn’t ignore that those images so accurately portrayed on the screen and transmitted to my brain were of a terrible hockey game. Like, so bad, you guys.
It was logistically easy and existentially difficult when I watched this game.
- Holy singing bass on a wall, the Canucks have been shutout in four of their last five games. Two of those shutouts have been against the Senators! Other than those two games, the Senators have allowed an average of 3.25 goals per game, so it’s almost impressive that the Canucks didn’t even accidentally score one goal.
- Let’s be honest, the Senators were no great shakes in this game either. Not like the Alabama Shakes, who are clearly the best shakes. The only goal they managed came courtesy of a colossal screwup by the Canucks.
- Also, unlike the Alabama Shakes, the Senators did want to fight some more, leading to two-and-a-half fights. First Mark Borowiecki dropped the gloves with Derek Dorsett, then Zack Smith challenged Nikita Tryamkin after he laid out Chris Kelly with a questionable hit. The half-fight came when Bo Horvat ripped off Erik Karlsson’s helmet in an attempt to run his fingers through Karlsson’s hair, but got a tussle instead of a tousle.
- The Senators were not a fan of Horvat mussing their captain’s hair and took multiple runs at him in one shift, all of which Horvat adroitly avoided. But message received, Sens: the hair is off-limits.
- I casually mentioned Tryamkin a moment ago, as if him making his season debut was no big deal, but it totally was. Like, 6’7” big. While he played just over 14 minutes, he was noticeable for more than just the large amounts of space he occupied. He finished his checks and was credited with six hits; he wreaked havoc on the penalty kill with his reach; and he more than held his own at even-strength. If, like Erik Karlsson, he can keep up his conditioning, he’ll be hard to keep out of the lineup.
- Jacob Markstrom was fantastic for all but two seconds of this game, but those two seconds were disastrous. After Eric Gudbranson gave the puck away to Mike Hoffman, Markstrom tried to make a diving pokecheck, but didn’t get enough of the puck, leaving Hoffman with an empty net, which definitely got enough of the puck.
- Honestly, the Canucks played a solid game and got plenty of scoring chances, particularly as the desperation increased in the third period. But, like an incompetent prophylactic inspector, the Canucks couldn’t find a hole in condom. I mean, Condon.
- Jannik Hansen went full honninggrævling in this game, taking it all upon himself as it became more and more apparent that no one else was going to score. He had a team-high eight shot attempts, five of them on goal, and seemingly all of them great scoring chances, but that doesn’t capture just how determined he seemed, barreling through defenders without fear. Unfortunately, strength of will and fearlessness aren't enough to put the puck in the net. They are, however, enough to become a Green Lantern.
- With two minutes remaining and down by one, guess who Willie Desjardins sent over the boards in hopes of getting the tying goal? Luca Motherloving Sbisa and Derek Fathertrucking Dorsett. Is he trying to get fired? Also, unless you're also trying to get fired, be judicious with that "Motherloving" link.
- Sbisa actually played the final 1:42 of the game, with Alex Edler sitting on the bench. Was he hurt? There was no indication that he was. Meanwhile, Jake Virtanen sat for the final six minutes of the game and Dorsett got his shifts. Baertschi, too, sat on the bench watching Dorsett during desperation time. This is utter nonsense.
- The Sedins played well in this game, buoyed by Hansen’s irrepressibility, but there was something sadly poetic about watching the final second tick off the clock while they numbly passed the puck back and forth behind the net, never threatening to actually get the puck in front, where the opening to the net is. There isn’t some secret backdoor on the net that will open with the right sequence of passes, guys. You should know this by now.
