There’s no question that the Edmonton Oilers are on the upswing. With captain Connor McDavid blazing the trail, the Oil look competitive for the first time in a decade.
Although they eventually lost in game seven against the Anaheim Ducks, the Oilers were impressive. They handily won the first round of the playoffs, making the San Jose Sharks look bumbling and inept.
That’s bad news for the Vancouver Canucks, because for the last couple of seasons bumbling and inept has kinda been their jam.
Most Canucks fans are girding themselves for a decade of humiliation at the hands of their bitumen-branded rivals. But why? Vancouver can easily compete with the Oilers as early as next season. It will just take some clever preparation and outside-the-box thinking.
Here’s how to get it done.
Mobile Defensive Pairings
It remains to be seen whether Nashville will win the ultimate prize, but there’s no denying their postseason run has been impressive. That body of work relies on their defence: Roman Josi, P.K. Subban, Ryan Ellis and Mattias Ekholm; otherwise known as the envy of the League.
Rather than assembling a stoic, rough-and-tumble defensive corps, David Poile has a crew of smooth-skating blueliners who effortlessly transition the puck up the ice.
Their mobility allows them to stymie the game’s best. They completely nullified Patrick Kane and Jonathan Toews in the first round, then defeated Vladimir Tarasenko in the second, and Ryan Getzlaf, Corey Perry and Ryan Kesler in the third.
Nashville's success may show a way forward for Vancouver. By stocking up on fast, smart, top-pairing defenders who can transition out of the Canucks’ zone, Vancouver could frustrate Edmonton’s deadly offence.
Where can the Canucks find these high quality defenders? I don’t know. What do I look like to you, a details man?
Encourage a Budding Supervillain
Vancouver may be able to destabilize Edmonton from within. All you ever hear about is Connor McDavid. But Edmonton has a neglected star lurking in the scenery.
Leon Draisaitl actually led the team in playoff scoring and outscored McDavid by seven points. He’s a dark and brooding German living in another man’s shadow. And his name is Leon Draisaitl. Let’s face it, he’s just a Guy Boucher face scar away from full Bond villain-dom.
Draisaitl simply needs a nudge in the right direction, and his resentment could serve to derail the Oilers' powerful attack. Fans could start a Twitter campaign to get in his head. (#NiceDrai #HesNoMcDavid #HeyLeonHaveYouEverConsideredBecomingASupervillain… just food for thought.)
Or to get the wheels turning, the Canucks could ask their own resident villain-in-training, Markus Granlund (c’mon, just look at him), to text Draisaitl with great deals on underground lairs and incomprehensibly slow death lasers.
The point is that Draisaitl is an underrated piece of Edmonton’s offence. And even if Vancouver’s management can’t transform their lineup into something competitive, surely they can transform Leon’s mind into a twisted abyss of jealousy and despair. Heck, they’ve already done it to their fans.
Find McDavid’s Kryptonite
OK, Draisaitl is good but McDavid is nearly unstoppable. He’s probably the fastest player in the League and his hands keep up. He’s Superman, and Vancouver can’t hope to compete unless he is compromised.
Supes’ only weakness is kryptonite, a lump of rock from his exploded home planet of Krypton. It renders him weak, powerless and nauseated.
So that means the Canucks just need a piece of Connor’s home planet. McDavid hails from Richmond Hill, Ontario, a suburb of Toronto. So it stands to reason that a blob of Lake Ontario muck will do the trick. A quick exposure to it will make him weak and nauseated.
I mean, exposure to Lake Ontario’s radioactive muck will make anyone weak and nauseated. But whatever works, right?
Assemble the Ersatz Oilers
Did you know that during both World Wars, coffee was a scarce resource? So instead, people brewed up alternatives. “Ersatz coffee” was made with anything from acorns to chicory root. That’s a truth fact.
Ersatz coffee was totally just like coffee, except for the minor detail that it was obviously and rage-inducingly not coffee.
So if acorns can ineffectually pass for coffee beans, why not make an ersatz hockey club to ineffectually mimic the Oilers?
Why bother rebuilding with a unique identity? Who’s got time for that? Vancouver can totally follow the Edmonton model, just very shoddily. Oilers have Milan Lucic? Jim Benning can trade for Evander Kane. Oilers have the number one pick from 2015? Vancouver can probably easily acquire the number one pick from 2012.
How does this help Vancouver? Well ersatz competitiveness has got to be better than non-competitiveness, right? Trust me. If they follow this strategy I feel certain that hockey events will definitely transpire; you can quote me on that.
