When I was a kid my parents were really into celebrating Valentine's Day. I really liked it too because it meant a family dinner, a white chocolate heart and maybe a new Madonna CD. My dad is a huge romantic, a real loving guy, so the sap runs deep in my blood, but guess what? I know most people out there hate Valentine's Day because, like most Hallmark holidays, it just reminds us of what we have not.
V-Day is the king of rubbing-your-singleness-in-your-face, but stop sulking because that shit is for teenagers. Are you Kelly Kapoor? (No, you are not a fictional character in an extremely popular TV series that has since gone off the air.) You are a person who loves a good list, so here’s my gift to you, five things nobody wants for Valentine's Day.
IPOD HEADPHONES
Um, we all got them for free with our iPhones. Then we got them for free again when we had to buy a new iPhone after we dropped ours in a public toilet at a bar. And, then we got them again when we accidentally lost our second iPhone to the ocean while trying to take a selfie on a pier, so you know, we’re set.
HERPES
Herpes is a permanent disease that is not only incredibly painful when the first outbreak occurs (genital or oral, do not excuse how much it sucks to get a big, fat blistering cold sore or worse, contract herpes gingivostomatitis otherwise know as a massive collection of sores inside the mouth on the gums), but also rips at your self-esteem like a tiny rat hooking her teeth into a piece of garbage and dragging it across even more garbage, except the garbage is actually your skin and it hurts like a mother fucker. Get yourself tested regularly and always warn your partner if you already have herpes. It is inhumane to not.
A PEN
Nobody really needs pens anymore. You can get a pen anywhere. A pen is only an acceptable gift if you are giving a set of special pens for an artist you know and love who happens to work in that medium. Or, a calligrapher.
BED BUGS
Bed bugs are pretty much the worst thing you can give someone you care about for Valentine's Day. Not only does having a bed bug infestation ruin your home, but also totally messes with your mind. Trust me, I have been there. I know. So, if you are getting your friend or love a second-hand gift or doing the dumpster dive dance, please check thoroughly for bed bugs. You can bring bed bugs into your home from anywhere. (I got mine from a Pantera Live VHS.)
FRIENDS ON DVD
If you know someone that loves the comedy and capers of Ross, Rachel, Chandler, Joey, Monica and Phoebe more than life itself you still do not have to purchase the DVDs, because that '90s relic is now on Netflix. Yes, all 10 seasons. That’s one full decade of Friends. (No, they did not do bonus versions with the laugh track removed. I know, I was pissed too.)
Happy Valentines Day, guys!
