I am 31-year-old straight woman who is in a new relationship after a long time being single and just dating casually. I really like this new guy and our sex life is great. But the other day we were in the car and I had to use his iPhone and I discovered he had been watching a brutal anal sex scene on his phone. Fine, I’m not against porn. He has very subtly alluded to wanting to have anal sex before, but I just brushed it off or distracted him in another way because I am terrified of anal sex. I do not know why but I am illogically terrified. It’s always been like this for me. I cannot get past my fear, but I think I should. I think I want to, not for him, but for me. What do I need to know? Help.
–Not Anally Inclined
If you really, really want to do this for you, then here’s what you need to know. (I know all my gay male friends reading this are rolling their eyes all, “You are such, pussies.” Yes, we are.) There’s two reasons that anal sex should come at the end of your fuck session: 1) being a few orgasms in will help you relax, physically and emotionally, 2) once he is in your anus, he should NOT go back into your vagina. There is a big risk of infection here (I doubt you will be giving yourself an enema an hour prior) and though it’s not anything that can’t be fixed with a week of medication, it is unpleasant. You also must use lubricant. Personally, I think the spoon position is best for anal sex and allows you a lot of control and relaxation. It’s a good starting point. Remember to breathe, communicate during the whole thing and enjoy. It’s just anal sex.
Now, if reading that is making you shake your head and pucker your asshole in fear, then maybe you are not ready. Anal sex is not like driving a car or getting a bank account: you do not have to have to do this to participate in modern society. If he brings it up again, then why don’t you cut him a deal? You will try it if he will try it. Then, you can refer him to my article on “pegging” (when a straight woman harnesses on a dildo and fucks her straight man in the asshole). If he’s not willing to let you peg him, then why should you? And if that’s a deal breaker for him, then hopefully he will see how demented it is to demand a different standard for his asshole compared to yours. You BOTH have them. He can’t play the woman card in that argument.
I am currently in love with a guy who’s miles and miles away, and I strongly believe that he loves me too. However, the distance hurts and we are both needy folks. Unfortunately, we are both currently in college and we have no perspective of when are we going to see each other again. Do you think it’s too selfish of me to ask him to disconnect our relationship now because it’s hurting, and instead, to try to connect it again in the future. I think he could be the love of my life.
– Gay Love Drama
When I was in love for the first time (and the next three times after that) everything was the end-all-be-all. My first “love” and I spend three years together, until he moved to Europe and I stayed home. It was over, but never fully over. I cried a lot. I blasted Babes in Toyland and got sad drunk. Life was Romeo & Juliet, but with embarrassing, misspelled love emails instead of corsets and death. We eventually got back together again. Three times. Can you guess what happened? Third time was not the charm. We broke it off. A wise, old drunk once said, “What makes you think milk that was sour today is going to be fresh in a week?” Rarely does getting back together work when you are young, because you have no reason to settle yet. However, when you are young, inexperienced and walking through life like Bambi, you lack the confidence to realize this.
You may think this person is the “love of your life” and he could possibly be. However, if your relationship was a horse and I was gambling, I wouldn’t put more than a few bucks on you two. You may feel as though this person is “it” because hormones are wild and they know how to squeeze all the logic out of your brain.
Without knowing more details I can’t get all “Doctor G” on you and magically solve your problems, but what you are choosing to tell me in your short email is revealing. I get what’s happening here because I have been you before: you want me to give you permission to do something you already know you want to do.
You are not going to get out of this situation unaffected. If you remain unhappily in this long-distance affair, you are going to continue to miss your man and bypass potential new sex and fun because you are too busy crying into your phone as you scroll through sexts and tears. If you cut it off now, you will probably cry into your phone, but for a shorter period of time, and eventually move on.
So, here’s me giving you to the go-ahead: break it off. Tell him the truth and be kind. It doesn’t mean you do not care or love your boyfriend. It just means you are way too young to be this miserable.
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