I love my boyfriend, but he absolutely refuses to go down on me. He says he doesn’t like the taste, which I think is bullshit. I’m not crazy about the taste of cock, but I still go down on him, because I want him to be happy! Is it unfair for me to expect him to down on me if I go down on him? Is there anything I can do to make the taste more pleasant for him?
–Bone Dry Pussy
The taste excuse. I thought this whole thing got settled when Kevin Smith put that great scene in comic culture classic Chasing Amy, when Banky, the “tracer” and Alyssa, the too-perfect lesbian artist, talk about eating pussy? Maybe millennials forgot about how many weirdly on-point moments there were in Kevin Smith movies? Maybe they just heard about the boner, stoner jokes? But I digress.
It’s insulting to say he won’t go down on you because of your “taste”, but that’s just my knee jerk reaction. I own a pussy myself, so I’m invested in your problem. Did he broach the subject with a cunt hair of sensitivity? Let me guess, your pubes gross him out too.
Look, not everyone has to be one of those men that dives head first between your legs like he’s replaying his birth in reverse, but if you are unsatisfied and this bums you out then you have to say something. Try doing so when his dick is nowhere near your mouth.
Yes, there are things you can try that might help you taste better, but nothing has been scientifically proven to help. There are preventative measures, but apparently they can sometimes make matters worse: cotton underwear, probiotic foods on the regular (weirdly miso and kimchi are an alternative if you hate yogurt) and lots and lots of water. Some magazines paint stories of pineapples, mint, apples and cranberries as magic pussy perfume, while swearing that alcohol, coffee, cigarettes and red meat ultimately turn your sweat into sour cabbage and your vagina into an ashtray. Only you can figure out your own PH balance with trial and error.
If all else fails, buy him one of those nose plugs for lane swimmers and a dental dam. Hopefully he’ll see how ridiculous it is to wear water wings in the shallow end.
My girlfriend and I have been together for about four years now. A couple years ago, we got into a big fight right before she left for a trip back home to Ontario. At the time she made it very clear (I thought) that she was breaking up with me. She even boxed up all the shit I had left at her house and gave it back to me. Message received, loud and clear. So, being recently single, I had (protected) sex a number of times with a number of women while she was away. It was a pretty fun month, not gonna lie. Not long after she got back, we reconciled, and things have been going great ever since. I never told her I had sex while we were split up, because it’s none of her business.
Anyways, I recently let slip what happened while we were split up and she absolutely flipped, accusing me of cheating on her and putting her health at risk by sleeping with other women. I think she’s WAY out of line, considering SHE broke up with ME, and I used a condom every time. What do you think? Was this the grand betrayal she makes it out to be?
–Anonymous
So, this is not a “grand betrayal”. You really did nothing wrong except for opening your big mouth and telling her. That was really stupid. You made your bed, now lie in it. Next to her. As she gives you the cold shoulder and huffs on cue like she’s on stage.
Your girlfriend broke up with you. She made it clear this was over. You are free to go ahead and sleep with whomever you want. Did she know any of these women? Were they her friends? (I’m going to assume “no” because if you had done that your question would be much different.) You did the normal thing any of us would do. You got wasted at the bar, waited to see what kind of pseudo lot lizards were trolling around at last call and had a wild streak of one-night stands. People grieve in different ways. Yours was perhaps more stereotypical and way more fun.
Your girlfriend has no right to yell at your for sleeping with people after she dumped you. However she can yell at you for being such a moron and telling her about it. Oscar Wilde once wrote on a napkin, “Men always want to be a woman's first love; women like to be a man's last romance.” Then, he blew his nose with it, rolled over and spooned his wife, Constance Lloyd, until she forgave him for sleeping around when they were on a break.
