When I was 14 years old, the movie American Pie came out. I wasn’t allowed to see the movie because of my strict religious upbringing. My school yard buddies were dying to see it, though. Eventually, it went to video and our friend’s older brother rented it for us. I vividly remember the movie. Hormones were flying at that time in my life, but coming from a religious background and living with just my mom, I had to find a way to deal and was definitely not going to talk to her about it.
Since I had never had a girlfriend at that point, let alone actually kissed a girl, I was curious. The scene that really got me going was where one character is caught having “relations” with a warm apple pie. According to the movie, that’s what a woman’s “area” feels like. And while hot pie is obviously a bad idea, I wanted to know for myself.
I started practicing kissing on balloons. I’d draw lips on them at just practice in my room at night. I was getting really good at it, but I needed more practice if I was really going to impress the girls, right? There was some schoolyard gossip about men having “relations” with cantaloupe. Fruit is God’s gift to the world, so it was okay by my beliefs.
So, I started practicing my “relations” with this cantaloupe. I was about 17 at this point. Fast forward to 2017: I am 31 years old and I have my first date in a couple of weeks with a nice lady from Helena, which is a city south of my home town of Great Falls, Montana. I am excited and I can’t wait to meet her for dinner. We have been talking for about two months and our schedules finally align. My question for you is, will the transition from cantaloupe to a real woman be hard? Is it going to be much different than what I am used to? If she asks why I am so good at “relations” should I tell her I have had a lot of experience with fruit or just let her believe I have had multiple partners before?
Wow! My good sir, your history of “relations” is quite something. May I say, it’s unfortunate that your mother let your religion get in the way of your sexual education. You’re a little fucked, but then again, there is someone out there for everyone.
Although I am not a deeply religious person – I am agnostic – I do believe that there should be a common respect for spirituality. Whatever one choses to believe is their own business. However, in your case, you now need an education in a little thing called reality.
I’m trying to remember the last time I had cantaloupe. I think it was last week. There is nothing like a really beautiful piece of cantaloupe. When it’s good, it’s excellent, and when it’s bad it’s awful, which is a nice parallel to draw with the human genitals. Your main difference between the vagina and the cantaloupe is going to be the complexity of it: mainly, the clitoris. I imagine this is something that you have not considered and if you want to be good at “relations”, you better go to clit school.
May I suggest that you go pick up Hustler magazine? The latest issue is great, including an excellent feature on a sexy cannabis farmer, Meg Champion, by yours truly, but I digress. Inside the pages of Hustler you will find nothing but pink, pink, pink. Study the vagina. Take a good, hard look – pun intended – at the variety. Then, do as much Googling as you can about female anatomy, female masturbation videos, Madonna and the bottle, whatever. Perhaps even look into some sex books. I suggest Sex: How To Do Everything, She Comes First: A Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Women or Sex for Dummies. You missed sex school, so now you have to cram for that final exam.
The main transition that you will have to overcome is that, unlike a cantaloupe, a real woman has a face, neck, shoulders, breast, arms, legs and, most importantly, a brain. I can’t even begin to list the ways in which a woman is so much better than a cantaloupe. It’s going to be a weird transition at first and she will probably notice.
I wish you the best of luck. You are going to need it. And remember, do NOT tell her you have had sex with cantaloupe. Fruit is the past and women are your future. Another thing, if you murder her, I have your I.P. address, full name and email. I’ll be keeping an eye out on the news.
Best!
