I’m 22 years old, and live with my parents and one of my two sisters. Over the past few years, I finally come to terms with the fact I don’t identify as male. I don’t feel comfortable living how I am at the moment and have often been finding myself worrying about how coming out and transitioning will impact my life. Things like the reaction of my family and friends, to whether it will impact my job prospects, how it will impact my love life and if I’d just be trading one set of anxiety and depression for another.
A couple of months back, I plucked up the courage to talk to my parents about it and for a little while I was happy with the progress that was made. But other than telling me that I might want to talk to someone about it, I really have not received much active support from my parents. Furthermore, my dad has never talked about it (even if he’s in the room when I’m talking to my mother about it). I find myself worrying how my sisters will react to it. I often clash with the one who still lives at home. She often winds me up about how I used to play dress up and do make-up with her when we were kids and teases me about being bisexual. It makes me feel uncomfortable about the idea of talking to her about it, as I worry that she’ll just think of me as some sort of joke.
I was wondering if there was any advice you could give me on coming out and moving forward?
OK, so you “don’t identify as male,” but what do you identify as? Are you a gay male? A straight female? A bisexual female? A bisexual, gender-neutral person? Asexual? Solosexual? Two-spirited? In today’s fourth-wave feminist platter of progressive party favours, you really can be anything you want. The time is now. However, being anything you want is still going to be difficult. Life is tough, no matter what your gender identity, but before you come out, you have to kind of narrow down what you are coming out as. I suggest trying on a lot of hats before you sew one to your head.
Technology is going to be your best friend in this trial period. One of the great things about online chat rooms is that you can try on these hats. There’s even this Dutch-made “teledildonic” device called the KIIROO that allows you to use either the male or female toy to have virtual sex with another person. Many men have used this device to have pseudo-gay relations with other men, so they can see if this is something they actually want to pursue. You can do the reverse or just play around.
I’m glad you have talked to your parents about this. I am sorry that your father has zipped his lips. I know that you want nothing more than for him to tell you he loves you and that whatever life you chose will make him happy because he just wants you to be happy. However, what you are telling him may not be something he can accept just yet. You yourself did not even come to this conclusion until you were in your early twenties. It took you nearly two decades to come to your own terms, and you still feel confused. Imagine how he feels.
I don’t think your parents are wrong in suggesting you speak to someone. They don’t know what to say and by encouraging you to talk to someone with expertise in the field, they are not abandoning you, but looking out for you. They can’t solve this for you and they know that, so they’re doing what they know how to do: put you in the care and support of someone who does. They may even need that guidance as well.
My pal Los Angeles-based sex therapist Dr. Chris Donoghue wrote this excellent book called, Sex Outside The Lines: Authentic Sexuality in a Dysfunctional Culture. I have talked about his book before, but it really explores a lot of the things you feel conflicted about and it will enlighten you. In fact, I suggest you read as many books about gender transition as you can. Leslie Feinberg’s Stone Butch Blues and Drag King Dreams are both classics, as is Minnie Bruce Pratt’s S/He.
If your sister has been teasing you about being possibly bisexual your whole life, then she probably has an inkling. Talk to her – she could end up being one of your closest allies in this whole thing. Siblings are not parents. Their sense of protection is less “I-know-what’s-best” and more “I-got-your-back.” And right now, you need someone who has your back no matter if it’s sporting an army jacket or a halter top.
Before you worry about how this transition could potentially affect your job security or friendships, figure out what you need to be to make you feel like you. Sometimes you have to dip your toe into the pool before you cannonball into the deep end.
Get in some chat rooms and talk to people who have gone through what you are feeling. There are so many communities of people who are happy to help you through sharing their own life experience. Buy those books and read them. Talk to your sister. Go out and live in the world with different hats on. What you are doing is risky, but life is a risk.
And cut your dad a little slack. He’s just as confused and scared as you are, but that’s only because he loves you so much.
Love, Mish
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