I am a 24-year-old lesbian and I recently broke up with my girlfriend of a few years. We had a great relationship, but things just went south and after a lot of back and forth, I finally ended it. We had been living together, so breaking up was that much harder. Anyways, it's been a few weeks and though I have gone on dates with a few people, I just found out my ex is already seriously dating another girl. How the hell did she move on this quickly and how do I shake these jealous feelings? It takes all my strength not to troll this new girl and compare her to myself. How do I kick this?
–Ex Hell
Dear Ex Hell,
Do you know what a "cleanup woman" is? I didn't until a few years ago, thanks to Reverend Jen Miller and her book Live Nude Elf: The Sexperiments of Reverend Jen. A "cleanup woman" (or man, person, whatever your gender fluidity) is the lover who comes along after the original lover has either broken up with or mistreated their lover.
"This person is usually similar to the original lover, depending on the psyche of the heart-broken,” according to Reverend Jen. This situation usually makes you realize a thing or two.
“Love is like the human appendix," she writes. "You take it for granted while it's there, but when it's suddenly gone you're forced to endure horrible pain that can only be alleviated through drugs – especially when the "cleanup woman" marries the ex and they live happily ever after."
When I read this years back, I immediately began to make a list of all the "cleanup women" who have dusted off my ex-boyfriends. The list of blondes, skinnier blondes, nicer blondes, calmer blondes, less psycho blondes who have been the "cleanup woman" for my bullshit. And then, after comparing myself to them relentlessly, like most people do, I thought about the men who have dusted me off after the horrible back-and-forth-fucked-up mess that seems to be a young, 20-something's love life. Remember, everyone is someone's cleanup woman and everyone is someone's trashy treasure. That's just how it goes.
This guy I know once said that people in relationships are like roads: sometimes you run parallel with one road for years, sometimes weeks and sometimes just days, but you learn from them and then, you have to move on.
Jealousy is fucking annoying. We are all insecure about certain things in our lives and usually it comes out after a break-up in fits of jealousy, like making fun of the new girlfriend's haircut or job.
Anything really to make yourself feel better about having this person become a substitute for you. It's not a competition. It's not about you. You dumped your girlfriend and she is moving on. You can not control what she does or who she does, so why bother even looking into that part of her life?
Trolling an ex’s social media accounts is stupid because it asks questions you do NOT want to know the answers to. Besides, current social media is so baby-proofed for heart-break it's almost a joke. Use the "Hide" and "Mute" functions to your greatest advantage: hide her on Facebook, mute her on Twitter and unfollow her on Instagram. (She will never see it, and if she does, it means she is one of those narcissistic psychos who has an app that tells her when people unfollow her, in which case, you don't want to invest with this type of person long-term anyway.)
Oh, and delete your Snapchat (because you are not in high school). Trolling shatters hearts and diminishes sanity. Ignorance is bliss.
Sometimes you will find out things you do not want to hear by proxy, especially if you share the same network of friends. You can not help that. However, no one is going to feel sorry for you when you are staying up all hours, clicking through Facebook albums and cursing out some new, innocent girlfriend who really did nothing wrong to you but date your ex. Better she's dating a random and not one of your friends, right?
So, remember that new girlfriend is just cleaning up the mess that you left and really you should be thanking her for swooping in and washing the dirt off your hands. This is the normal cycle of life and love.
It's going to be OK. I promise.
Love, Mish
