Mixed in with the world awaking to its scorched edges and frayed minds I've come to the ripe age of twenty-fucking-one. In a new millennium where people meet digitally and we're all randy for voyerism I've only met one person that I really wanted to care for. The last four years of looking for someone to be with has been arduous. Having only a couple petty flings in that time I've grown used to being neutral on the topic of dating. I can't find anyone I can talk to. The last woman I had solid conversations with passed away this December and was also dating someone else (which I found out after). Her other relationship as well as my relationship with her were long distance. I'm sexually frustrated and well discouraged socially. It seems hard to meet anyone that gets what I enjoy discussing. I've also been trying to be more conscious of the old-age male bullshit, which is problematic when I like someone. The only other woman whom I've met more recently, and liked, I acted as a therapist for. Basically listening to her tell me how fucked all my shitty associates were to her after she slept with them. I just can't seem to find anyone who I can muster feelings for or even talk to regularly. My generation is fucked, I guess. That or I'm too messed up to know what I should be doing to find someone who enjoys spending time with me. What is happening?
I recently hosted a documentary series for VICE called Professional People that featured new companies offering paid companionship that excluded sex. In the second episode I interviewed Dr. Chris Donaghue, a Los Angeles-based sex therapist and author, who really impressed me. Not only is the guy's voice the human equivalent to really soft leather, but more over, he is extremely perceptive about how this period of cultural change about relationships and dating has tossed us into total confusion. People are having a rough time right now with love and romance because technology has taken the rulebook and turned it into an iPad. Our brains and hearts are still desperately trying to play catch up to the drones. Besides helping couples and individuals through their relationship issues, Chris also wrote a provocative book about how sexually dysfunctional our culture is. (It's worth a read.) You feel like you can't connect with anyone? The whole world is lonely and Dr. Donaghue hypothesized on why.
"[Loneliness] is a cultural problem," he told me. "We live in a Neo-Liberal, Capitalist culture where we want separation. It's about "me". What do I need? Self-esteem. I have to "do me". I have to put myself first. [This culture] is all about ignoring the other person. Healthy relationships are about us, not about me or a self. So, our culture doesn't train us to value other people in relationships.
Neither you or your generation are fucked. I mean, you are, but you are not because in a period of flux, everyone is pawing around on the room like a blind guy without his cane. But we all need to open our fucking eyes and really look beyond everyone's general suckage. (Hi Milo!) We need to quit with the me, me, me bullshit and give people a chance.
Maybe you can't find anyone because you aren't giving any one person more time than a tweet. I see so many of my single friends bail on casual relationships so fast because of one little thing, and then continue to pine, whine and cry about how bad they want someone to share life with. You cannot possibly get to know someone texting with them on direct message or interacting only through SnapChat. You need to be together, face to face, touching, talking, being present to actually find out what they are about. And some people open up slow, like a really tough oyster. If you give up easy and walk because you "can't deal", you'll never get to the meat.
Look, I am sorry that your dead ex-girlfriend was having another long distance affair unbeknownst to you. I can't help but assume this was a digital relationship, because it was "long distance", which makes me want to smack you with a floppy fish. "Nonlinear dating and singledom, where couples are learning that healthy relationships don't break up but instead change boundaries and often leave room for return to romance and sexuality at a later time, are becoming more common," writes Dr. Donaghue. "Social media is our newest form of romantic cocaine, allowing for the ubiquitous snorting of our sexual other at any immediate time or place." Yeah, romance feels slightly selfish now. We are more interested in how good someone can make us feel, disassociated from their presence with a swipe right.
Donaghue argues that technology has changed the way we do relationships, and one result is that exclusive monogamy is no longer the end goal for all. And though I do agree with him, I also can't deny the human need for companionship and love. Our blueprint tells us we need to get all this from one person, a soulmate or whatever. But we also get this love from friends, family, casual sex and work, and progressives argue that this can be enough. This is a nice idea but I just don't think everyone is confident in this modern, self-sufficient model of relationships yet, leaving people like you asking me these questions and feeling confused about being "alone". Furthermore, monogamy is engrained in us and there are some of us who still want that. Just because you are not a bisexual, gender-neutral unicorn does not make you a "freak". (Don't you love how humans have to make everything into a zero sum game? There always has to be the aggressor and the oppressed. Utopia is a really stupid pipe dream.)
If you really, really want to find someone then, give people more time than you are. Date outside your friendship circle. Go out with someone who has completely opposing political views as you. Who gives a shit. Get to know people. Break the bubble. When I first met my husband I thought he was a womanizing, hill billy hesher who had never read a book in his god damn life. I took him way too seriously. Had I not stuck around to peel off his Mercyful Fate shirt to find out what was underneath, I wouldn't have what I have: an awesome, curious, hilarious, intelligent best friend and husband.
I know you feel alone and that it is impossible to meet someone, but dude, you are ONLY TWENTY ONE YEARS OLD. If you didn't feel a little fucked, I would be concerned. You have so much time left. This should be your era of messing around, being selfish and hanging out with as many people as possible. Screw up, get to know yourself, break a heart and have your heart busted too. This is what your twenties are about. However, you are never going to enjoy life if you are so busy dragging your feet and feeling sorry for yourself. Quit the pity party. Girls can smell your sulking like a dog smells fear. Your generation may be fucked, but that doesn't mean you have to be.
