I’m a 28-year-old single woman. I have a busy job in the television industry and it sucks my life away. I don’t mind, because I love what I do and I’ve worked really hard to get where I am. However, Valentine’s Day is coming around the corner again, and it’s not so much that I care that I’m single, but that everyone else in my life does. Whereas everyone else is just kind of annoying like a fly, my mother is a big, fat elephant sitting in the doorway.
I ended a long-term relationship years ago with a guy who my family absolutely adored. In fact, I think they loved him more than I did at the end. Anyway, every Valentine’s Day, my mother brings up the fact that I’m single, which usually leads to her talking about my ex and how it was such a mistake to let him go. It’s getting exhausting. It’s been almost five years. Although I’ve not had another serious relationship since him, I’ve dated many other people and enjoyed myself. I’m fine with where I’m at right now, but I just can’t deal with her clinging onto the past. I honestly feel like she won’t stop until I start dating someone seriously again. I don’t want to go through this with her again, but it’s very hard to get through to my mother. Furthermore, I can’t even talk to her about the guys I casually see because she’s so old-school and uptight that she won’t approve. (I only introduce my family to people I would consider marrying because it’s such an ordeal.)
How do I deal with my mother? I’m fed up and about to lash out at her, which I don’t want to do.
First off, congratulations on your successful career and being content in your life choices. I’m happy that you’re happy. Now, let’s get down to dealing with the woman who raised you.
I’m not a mother (yet) and I assume you aren’t either. Whenever my parents do anything that drives me nuts, I try to remind myself that I have absolutely no clue what it means to raise a child into an adult, and I give them a break. I was never easy. When I was a baby, I had colic and cried every minute of every day for over a year. As a child, I was an annoying showboat who took everything I did much too seriously. As a teenager, I was a rebellious pest who always thought she was right. I have some making up to do.
My mom has never annoyed me or pissed me off. I was trying to think of a relatable time to share with you, but I can’t. My mother is incredible. She encouraged me, stood up for me, and always made me laugh. She’s an amazing mother. We rarely fought. I remember she hit me once. I back-sassed her and called her a bitch. I totally deserved it. A bitch is one thing my mother surely isn’t.
The point is that parents are crazy because having children makes them crazy. You’re lucky if you make it to adulthood able to be semi-friends. A mother can’t be anything but your mother. That’s her job. We’ve all seen what happens when your mother treats you like a friend: You end up snorting meth together and competing for boyfriends.
Your mother carried you around for nine months and then she pushed your melon head out of her vagina. After hours of torturous contractions, she squeezed your tiny, jellyfish body out through her birth canal like you were the world’s biggest shit, stretching herself to accommodate the size of your skull. Then, after all the ripping, tearing, pushing and placenta were done, she went home and, for the next 28 years, managed to raise you into the competent, successful woman you are today. She probably wasn’t perfect all the time, but who is? She did her best.
Being a mother is the hardest job in the world. It’s a 24/7 position that demands 100 percent of your being, and that kind of work starts to make people mental. Your mother is just riding the earthquake of your birth into her own dementia.
I know how annoying it must be to hear her broken-record comments about your love life, but there is the right way to put your foot down. You need to do a few things here and they all require honestly with a pinch of biting your tongue. This Valentine’s Day, when your mother calls you up for her yearly speech, tell her the truth. Tell her that you are happy just how you are, and that you do date people casually, but no one has been serious enough to bring home yet. Tell her exactly what you told me about you ex. Yes, you loved him and he loved you, but it’s over and has been for years, and it frustrates you that she won’t let go. If she loves you, then she needs to let go with you. Listen to what she has to say and don’t argue with her. (Bite your tongue.) Really listen. Do not interrupt her no matter how many times she does it to you. I can’t stress that enough.
As a difficult person, I know how annoying it can be to get through our heads. However, sometimes we need to be cracked open like a coconut. It requires the right tools and some elbow grease. You can get through to your mother. Speak calmly but directly. Remember that you love her and she loves you. She only fusses over you because she cares what happens to you. The opposite of love is indifference. Being stuck with a mother who doesn’t give a shit would hurt a lot worse.
Have your own sex questions and queries? Email Mish at [email protected]
