I am a 25-year-old woman who has recently gone through her first break-up. My now ex-boyfriend and I had been together since we were 15 years old, and had shared a home together since age 22. I thought I was going to marry this guy. We had planned on kids, buying a house, and traveling Australia together next year once we had both completed our degrees. He was my best friend, and my partner. My world is shattered. I don't know how else to describe it.
This break-up is the worst thing to have ever happened to me. I have no idea who I am anymore, what to do with myself, how to wake up or go to bed. I feel completely lost. I am a shadow of myself just bumping around, trying to go through my life on autopilot. But I'm not stupid. I know that I am not the only one to have gone through this, and that I will one day get over it, but right now that day feels like it's millennia away.
My ex left me our apartment. I thought I wanted it but now I don't. It just feels too sad to be here. He moved out last week, which has at least given me some space and time to process this, but his absence is also hell. We keep talking and texting, because I don't know... he is the one I talk to when I need help and when I am sad. He is my best friend. How the fuck do I just move on from that? How do I erase it?
The worst part is that our breakup was more of a frizzle. He just decided that we were at this point of "get married" or "break up" and that we had not experienced enough independence to get married. We had to separate to give one another the proper independence we need and deserve (his words, not mine.) Well, I don't feel this way at all. I've slept with one other man since our break-up and it was awful. It wasn't the guy's fault. I felt nothing.
How do I move on? How do I handle these next few weeks, months? Have you been through this before? I miss my boyfriend so much, I feel like I'm dying. How do I teach myself to be alone?
I wish I could hug you right now. Imagine I am hugging you, patting your shoulders, and letting you sob into my chest. (I always wear black. Your mascara isn't an issue.) I want you to get it all out. Please remember that. I don't condone feeling sorry for yourself, but with a cold-clock this fresh and pummelling, you are granted full immunity to cry. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, breakups this heavy and tragic are like a death. In a sense, it's the end of you and your boyfriend. Mourn that loss.
Not going to lie to you, kid. You'll probably be sad about this for a few years. In fact, you may never fully understand why it ended or how it all happened, but you will move on, find someone new who loves you, and have an exciting, prosperous life. You may never be friends with your ex-boyfriend again. (I know I'm not, but that's not by choice.) Your first love is a big one. I literally was in your exact position. Almost exactly (except, I was not as young as you when we got together, we were a lot less organized as far as the future goes, and I was ditched for a country and independence, not just the latter.) You have been with this man since you were a teenager. An entire decade of your young life. Pre-tampons! (Urgh, wasn't life so great pre-tampons? I think about how easy shit was pre-tampons.)
I can't teach you how to be alone; no one can teach you that. But what I can do is tell you some of the mistakes I made so you don't repeat them. First off, pile driving drugs and random dicks is not going to help. In fact, the hangover is devastatingly worse. If you feel the need to go bananas, make sure you have a close friend around the next day to hug you through it. And if you don't, I say embrace that loneliness and face it head on. Avoidance it never going to help. I spent a lot of time trying to avoid my true emotions with said drugs and dicks, but, ultimately, the thing that helped me the most was self-awareness and self-analysis. Also, confide in friends who are going to tell you the truth. After a certain point, the coddling will only keep you in diapers. (And no one wants to date a crying baby in diapers.) Lastly, if your financial situation permits, I would move out of that apartment and start fresh. Again, the whole death thing. You deserve a fresh home to start your life in.
This isn't going to be easy. It's going to suck so much. You'll probably want to die when you even get a whiff of gossip about your ex. (I highly suggest asking people to refrain from telling you what he is up to and for you to control yourself when it comes to snooping. Why ask questions when you know you aren't prepared to hear the answers?) You are going to have sleepless nights and awful mornings. This is all part of being freshly alone. But remember, you'll find someone else who loves you. Your boyfriend thought you were so amazing that he hung out with you for his entire young adult life.
You can do this.
Love,
Mish
