I'm a 23-year-old woman who has been dating a 40-year-old man for about a year and a half. My relationship with him became monogamous in January of 2016, and within the nine months that have followed, I discovered he has cheated on me with seven different women. He slept with all of them. I found out through snooping. That was bad, I know, but I was afraid for my health.
I have tried blocking him everywhere, but something makes me unblock him. I’ve tried therapy to understand why I can't leave, but it didn't work. I think I’ve tried everything under the sun, but I keep going back to him because love is dangerous and I shouldn't listen to it.
My baby steps to get away from him have been working. I’m not as emotionally entrenched as I used to be, but every time I try to tell him goodbye, he will ignore it or get angry, or I’ll end up wanting to stay in touch and wind up back where I started.
Your advice is profound and enlightening, and I would appreciate some insight.
Imagine you and I are standing together in a bar. I've taken you out for drinks so you can vent to me about cheating episode number five. At my insistence, we've just done a shot of tequila, which sends you from zero to drunk, and as you really start to listen to the words coming out your mouth, you get all weepy. Suddenly, I grab you by the shoulders so hard that your vodka-soda splashes on your shirt.
"THIS GUY DOES NOT LOVE YOU LIKE YOU LOVE HIM."
There, I said it. I'm hugging you now. Don't worry, kid.
I rarely say “Fuck this loser", but “Fuck this loser." Even more so, fuck being a loser. If you stick with this man, you will become one.
Monogamy is the building blueprint, but the people involved hardwire the electricity. You didn't invent the house, but you’ve created one together. And for nine months, he's been sitting with a lit match and a can of gasoline, ready to blow the whole thing up. His part is done. All you have to do is yell, "Burn it!" and there it goes. Dump this fucker.
He has done his part to fuck up your relationship. He cheated on you with seven women. Seven women. I don't believe sex addiction is real (and plenty of professionals agree), but I do believe in getting drunk on lust and attention. Your boyfriend is wasted on pussy and power. I think you have to realize that “Once a cheater, always a cheater" actually applies in your situation – if only for the fact that this has been proven to you seven times. That's not a "slip-up". That’s intentional.
Why do you want to stay with this guy who doesn’t respect you? I know you aren't going to like this, but have you ever considered that, perhaps, being in a monogamous relationship is something you decided, but he didn’t? How did this whole agreement occur? Promise rings are a thing of the past, but there had to be some consensual moment that made you think, "He is my man now!" Think back on that moment. You can decide if perception bulldozed truth.
But you have to get away from this guy. You aren't doing yourself any favours wasting your early 20s with some middle-aged serial cheater who is old enough to know better. There is nothing keeping you in this relationship except yourself. As I said, he has done his part to prove to you that he doesn't care about monogamy like you do. What’s the point? Do you think he's going to change? For you, he clearly won't.
It's time to practice the power of restraint, silence, and "block number." Block him digitally. Do it now. NOW. NOW.
Next, it's time to get yourself a sponsor. Any time he tries to contact you and you feel yourself slipping, leave the situation and run to the phone. Call your sponsor. Alcoholics do it all the time, and from what I’ve been told by my ex-alcoholic friends, it works. I'm sure your friends want you away from him, too.
I also think you should give therapy a try – but not "talk therapy" because that's bullshit, in my opinion. Go see someone who specializes in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. Unlike "talk therapy,” where you just whine and cry to a stranger, CBT teaches you constructive ways to address your issues. This inability to leave someone so disrespectful is clearly an issue.
It's not all bad. I believe in you. You had the wherewithal to ask somebody for a little help, so I know you want to get out of this. Just burn it down!
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