I’ve been hanging out with this guy for almost six months now, but we are not a couple. Well, not really. We’ve never been sexual. Let me explain.
We met through common friends and kind of clicked right away. I’ll admit that I did have a little crush on him, and he probably had a little one on me, or else we wouldn’t have been so attracted to one another right off the bat. Within a few months, he became my go-to. We talk every day. We hang out all the time. It feels like he’s my boyfriend/best friend, but minus the sex.
There was a point earlier where I tried to move things in a sexual direction, but it just didn’t work. I don’t know if I played it wrong, or if he just didn’t want it, or if the timing was a mess. Whatever the case, it wasn’t enough to destroy our friendship. That never changed.
Lately, though, I’m feeling frustrated. I thought I could kick these feelings of wanting more than friendship, but I don’t know what to do. Furthermore, I don’t know how I would ever approach the subject. It feels like I missed my moment. I get jealous when he flirts with other girls, and that makes me feel stupid. I don’t want to feel possessive like this, but I do.
The funny thing is, he does the same to me! This guy recently asked me out when we were at a bar with some friends, and my “friend” ended up getting all huffy, and we got in a drunken fight about it. Our relationship is not normal. I can see that, plain and simple. I have no idea what to do, but more importantly, I don’t want to lose him in any capacity. Help me.
Once you have officially entered the “friend zone.” it’s hard to exit it. But there’s a reason one enters it in the first place, and in your case it’s as much your own fault as the other person’s. Good friends rarely make the jump into a romantic relationship, simply because there’s something to lose. Strangers are strangers – they have no value in our lives beyond the moment we sneak out of their bedroom the next morning. Friendship is valuable, and less fragile than you think.
Don’t beat yourself up about missing your chance with this guy. If it was going to happen romantically, one of you (preferably him) would have gathered the stones to make a move. It never felt right, but being together in another capacity did, so friendship ensued. You are single. Think about how many relationships have blossomed into “the one.” None. How many great friendships do you have that are still going strong to this day? Exactly. One is harder to obtain than the other.
You both made the mistake of “friend-zoning” one another. Had you kick-started this whole thing by sucking face and not fawning over your common interests, maybe you could have had some awkward sex that turned into intense sex and perhaps even a breakup? When you get past that point of no return and become close friends, there’s way too much at risk for both parties to lose, and making an aggressive sexual move becomes more and more out of the question. In your initial phase of getting to know one another, the one with the crush (you) should have made an advance early on. In this way, you blew it. But really, it’s not a big deal, because if he was the guy for you and you were the girl for him, it would have happened with the help of a few beers.
The jealousy you share for one another is natural in co-dependent relationships. (You will admit it’s slightly co-dependent, yeah?) It’s fucking weird that you two get intimidated by one another’s romantic prospects, yet it also makes perfect sense. You’ve used each other in lieu of a romantic relationship, so anyone who tries to threaten that bond must be nixed. Do you get jealous when your best female friend goes home with her boyfriend? Do you seethe and shudder when your best friend from grade school tells you he’s getting married to the girl he loves? Do you silently rage when your sister talks about her relationship? If you answered “Fuck, no. I’m not insane” to all of these, then you don’t need to go to therapy for jealousy issues. You just need to deflate your co-dependent relationship with your non-boyfriend best friend.
The good news is that he is just as bad, so your window of opportunity for a heart-to-heart conversation is wide open. Take it. I suggest you and he get together (on one of your many “non-date dates”) and just dive right in. Be calm, kind and curious about the nature of your relationship. When it doubt, pose things as a question, not a fact. Lay it all out on the table. The only time that talking fucks up a relationship is if it happens at the wrong time during sex. Having an honest conversation with your friend is the only way to get it out.
You got this.
- Have your own sex questions? Email Mish at [email protected]
