I get lots of emails with questions that only take a few lines to answer. (Sorry, only the really fucked up people get a whole column’s worth of therapy!) Here goes the lighting round; someone time me.
I have seen a few escorts that have asked me if I’m married or dating. I can’t tell if they are interested or if this is a standard question that escorts ask? Please help me with this.
As I advised in this earlier column, sex with an escort is a business transaction. Maybe, maybe, this woman is actually interested in you, and if she is, you’ll know. (But watch out. You don’t want to end up nearly murdered by a hitman that your ex-escort wife hired, like Mike Dippolito did.) Most likely, she is only making small talk. It could also be that she wants to know if you have a wife at home that you don’t fuck (hence why you are with her), or if you are single and fucking tons of women – you know, to get a sense of how “used” your junk is. Escorts are rarely wall flowers. If she is into you, she’ll let it be known loud and clear. As my favourite author, Camille Paglia, once wrote, “The prostitute is not the victim of men, but rather their conqueror, an outlaw, who controls the sexual channels between nature and culture.” Nailed it.
Where is the best place to take a woman on a first date?
A bar. A bar. A bar. A bar. A bar. Or, dinner and drinks… at a bar. Look, you need a little liquid courage. I’m not condoning getting frat-boy hammered, but a glass of wine or two is lube for the mind. Now, if the person you are taking out does not drink, I suggest anything but coffee. When I used to work at a coffee shop, I would always catch people on first dates and it made me sick. You really think you are going to kiss someone with their brown, dry latte tongue? Repulsive. Go bike riding, sneaker shopping or dry humping. Anything but a coffee date.
My best friend hates my boyfriend. She hasn’t told me, but I can tell. I don’t really care either way, but I want her to be civil. How do I de-bitch her?
Just tell her that! “Stop acting like a bitch, before I have to de-bitch you. Be civil to my boyfriend. Just do it for me.” Personally, I have never de-bitched someone, but I imagine it sounds like a swarm of bees writhing in your hair.
I grew up with sisters. I have mostly girlfriends. I feel so disconnected from “man world,” unless I’m dating someone, and even then I feel like I’m the girlfriend who rarely gets let in. What the fuck do twenty-something men talk about?
I love “man world.” It’s probably how I ended up at a world-famous skin mag in California. Men are disgusting, but women are mean. I sound like that ancient fossil who wrote, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, but it’s true. I know that things are blending these days, but a lot of us are boring and hovering inside the box. If you want to know what twenty-something men are like, I suggest listening to the Cum Town podcast. (My writer pal introduced it to me as she, too, became obsessed with it.) In it, three New York-based comedians talk about all the dumb things boys talk about, like which Beauty & the Beast character each one is, and who can suck their own dick. You’ll laugh. You’ll barf. You’ll think one of them has a strangely hot lisp and Google image search him for far too long only to not find an answer. But mostly you’ll learn that dudes just love to riff on one another. When you are in Cum Town, every girl is just a happy, little anthropologist, masquerading as a fly on the wall. Enjoy.
My boyfriend always wants to listen to the SAME ALBUM every time we have sex. I’m starting to think that he can’t fuck without it. I even tried to turn it off the other day and he stopped me. What the hell is wrong with him?
I wish you had told me what album it is. It’s going to be a very different story if he’s forcing U2 Songs of Experience down your pussy, than if it’s Stepson’s first album. I’m biased. I like a little guitar with my fucking, but to each their own. The point here is that your boyfriend is on the level of the toddler who needs to hear “Wheels On The Bus” in order to grant his mother a tantrum-free car ride. You could also try replacing music with the noises of porn, and suggest you watch some together? If he shuts that down, then try a different album, and if he keeps putting his music back on then you have a fetish you need to either love or leave. You could also just ask him, “Why do you need that music on?” But be prepared for the answer. I promise you it won’t be one sentence.
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