I'm a 35-year-old woman and I met somebody online over a month ago. We text, FaceTime and talk on the phone but he lives in another country so we have not met face to face yet. I feel like we are already in a relationship, we sext a lot (it's so intimate) and send sexy photos. Another thing is that he is almost a decade younger than me. We are finally meeting up in less than a week as I am going overseas to visit. The thing is, I only have two days there and I don't know if I should have sex with him, because although we have been talking for so long and things already feel like a relationship, is that even real? Am I already in this relationship?
Yes, you are technically in a relationship. Anything between two human beings is. Are you in a committed, romantic relationship yet? Here we go.
I am an old, traditional bag who believes in pheromones. I believe that the smell of someone's hair or the way their hips move when they walk can make your stomach drop. I also believe the noise they make when they swallow big gulps of water or the way they slam cupboard doors after putting an empty box of crackers back in the pantry can make you want to smack their beautiful face off their head. The smells and movements are essential and if these things do not click right away, you will know the second you hug and kiss one another. The irritating idiosyncrasies will come later and, if things go blissfully like a rom-com, will not be discovered in 48 hours. These elements, plus so many more, are all missing until you get off the airplane and then, spend a few months fucking and fighting.
You are 35 years old, which means that unlike the fetus you have been sexting, beginning a romance through a screen feels weird and not completely real. However, to a 20-something this is just life. No big fucking deal. Sexting is sex. Nudes are normcore.
A while back, my friend starting dating this younger girl. She was all over social media. Constantly ‘gramming and tweeting to curate the perfect goth girl personality. She was a walking advertisement for how young, hot and seemingly fucked up she was. My friend and this goth girl started everything through social media, then to texting and eventually going on dates. Before he brought her to meet all of us in person, I had cruised her social media. She liked Brainbombs and was into whips and chains. She seemed dry, funny and curious. No shrinking violet. A brash, loveable psuedo-skank. Then, I met her in person. She sat there quietly, barely looking at any of us, barely speaking, and retorting down to her iPhone whenever she felt insecure (which apparently was every 20 seconds.) She was a snooze in real life. Talking to another girlfriend of mine about it later, she explained it perfectly: "Millennials live on social media and edit every thought before they put it out there. They spend hours making the perfect tweet. They can't handle a real face-to-face conversation because they are never on the spot with their personas anymore."
You and this guy have been in a romantic courtship for a month and next week, after you get off that airplane, it's all going to come to a head. It's going to be weird, awkward, exciting and hopefully really fun. I remember going on a three-day motorcycle trip with my husband after sleeping together once while we were wasted. I needed a story and he was in. About two hours before I got on the airplane, it dawned on me that I did not know this guy at all and I was going to spend three days with him, his motorcycle and his knife collection in a trailer park in the desert? Cool way to end up in a body bag on the news. My friend Mila told me I was insane and that anytime I got nervous to pretend that this whole trip was a movie and I was the main character.
"Just do the thing the movie version of yourself would do. Who cares," she smiled.
Sounds totally cheesy, but it is kind of genius advice to kill the over-thinking and nerves with some full-blown, delusional confidence. Because you will be nervous. You've had a month of build-up. But that's kind of the great thing: you already know one another so well in one capacity. Even if, for some long shot, the chemistry is off IRL or he's got a micropenis, you'll have this person you know you get along with enough to be friends. However, I highly doubt that.
It's going to be fun. Don't over-think. Just let yourself enjoy every part of this, even the awkward parts. They are kind of the best part.
