I’m a 40-year-old mother of two. I’ve been with the same partner for the last eight years. (He’s not the biological father of my kids, but is very much their beloved stepdad.) We had a great relationship. We had our ups and downs like anyone else, but toward the last half year, it got a little too turbulent. We started fighting a lot more and arguing about the smallest things. Our sex life diminished and we fell distant. My tipping point was when he verbally assaulted me in front of my children and started to boss them around. He never physically assaulted me but, for me, a line had been crossed. I told him it was over and asked him to move out, and the last two weeks of him slowly packing up were uncomfortable and sad for everyone involved.
After he moved into his new place, I met an extremely attractive 25-year-old man at a friend’s wedding. He’s actually the nephew of an acquaintance of mine. I know his being 15 years younger than me seems crazy, but the relationship is purely sexual. We see one another once or twice a week. However, during this whole affair, my ex began to reconnect with me, telling me that our break-up was a mistake and that he would do anything to be with his family again. I do love him and would prefer to have him there for my children (he’s a great stepfather), but I need space. I told him we could slowly see one another and take it one step at a time. But he has showed up at my house, unannounced, more than once. This concerns me, because I also notice that my young booty call seems to be getting attached to me and wanting to be more involved in my life. He told me he wants to take our relationship to the next level. I feel myself getting attached to him, too, in certain ways, but can I really date a 25-year-old kid right now?
I appreciate my ex working so hard to rebuild the trust that was lost. So, how do I tell the 25-year-old what’s going on? How do I drop him without seeming insane? Do I tell my ex about this affair, or will that ruin everything we’ve reconciled?
Let me begin by saying that I can’t imagine how sad it was for you to watch a happy 8-year relationship die. I don’t have children and I’ve never been a stepmother, but I’ve heard that those things that begin as babies make the whole dating thing a little more complicated. You can’t just bring any old dickhead home to meet your children – and, depending on their age and gender, I imagine they’ve become attached to their stepfather.
The old adage is true: Weddings make people horny. It’s such a good place to meet other lonely singles who need to get fucked. The 25-year-old (I’m going to refer to him as “Junior Diapers”) was a score. Good for you. It must be nice to straddle a young, tight body that hasn’t yet been plagued by years of childcare, beer, bloating and taxes. I’ll bet he has some serious stamina in the sack. Take advantage. Too bad he’s getting so attached, or else his dick could have been your free elliptical machine.
I know you want to work it out with your ex for the sake of the family you’ve created over the last decade. Junior Diapers was a great fling, but you obviously don’t see a future with this boy or else you wouldn’t have second-guessed it. Age shows through someone’s wisdom and manners. If he were mature for his age, ready to take on responsibilities like step-fatherhood or supporting a family, there would be signs. Has he ever mentioned this? Or does he just want to “get to know you better”? Furthermore, do you really want to have him involved with your children?
Your ex made a mistake and crossed some lines that hurt both you and your children. Do your kids say they miss him or could they care less? I don’t want you to curb your own happiness for others, but I also think your children should come first, and it sounds like they do. What’s the point of rushing back into a relationship with your ex? Do what you’re doing: One step at a time. (Plus, moving all his shit right back in? Seems regressive. )
If you want to break it off with Junior Diapers, honesty is always the only policy. Just thank him for the elliptical you never knew you needed, but explain that you can’t be committed to him because of your children. (Yes, blame the kids. They come before your vagina.) You can slowly see the ex again for dates, fucks and general hang-outs, but really try to not swan dive into anything. You don’t need to tell the ex about Junior Diapers – it’s not his business and it will only upset him. Ever seen that movie Liar Liar? Telling the truth 100 per cent of the time is for the mentally ill.
• Have a sex question or query? Email Mish at [email protected]
