I'm in a bit of a conundrum right now with sex. I'm a 24-year-old woman currently in recovery from a hellish, six-year-long eating disorder. I'm back to a healthy weight and eating normally, interspersed with moderate exercise. The problem is now that my body is like, alive again, my libido has hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm super horny all the time, which is kind of fun after years of feeling like a wet sponge, but also difficult because I still have really intense body image issues. I've been masturbating a lot but I really need to be fucked. I'm average looking, and if I put in some effort, can be kind of hot. I would just go out and pick up some random dude for the deed but I am still so tender, anxious, and sensitive about my body that I'm afraid of letting a stranger touch me. At the same time I fucking need to be touched so badly. Any advice?
I've struggled with my body dysmorphia since I got tits and an ass when I quit figure skating as a teenager. I remember playing badminton with my sister in the backyard and catching a glimpse of my reflection in the sliding glass door. I was wearing a bikini. My ass was white, pale and blinding like the sun. I had a woman ass: real, thick and speckled with these lumps and imperfections. At least, that's the way I saw it. I hated it. I hated every single goddamn inch of that motherfucker. I wanted to take a knife and cut out the fat. Slice into my thighs and spill out everything until I was just bones.
Why do we do this to ourselves? I'm pretty sure the reason I remained addicted to morphine for far too long was because it prevented me from eating or drinking alcohol. I looked great, but only in my demented eyes. Then again, I was high on morphine. Everything looked great. The world was the most magical waterfall and I was just basking in its refreshing stream. (Don't do drugs.)
Body image issues follow us around like a shadow. Even today, as an adult woman who knows better, I don't leave a bathroom without lifting up my shirt and scrutinizing my abdomen.
I commend you for getting healthy and coming to terms with yourself. I'm sure you are a total fox. Quit this "put in some effort" shit. Sex appeal is a nothing but a healthy dose of confidence with a pinch of the right make-up. Walk tall and fuck like you mean it.
As for the fucking, you need to get laid. Moreover, you must get over your lingering body image issues by getting back on that horse and letting him touch your tits. The earth will not shatter around you, I promise. Being naked in front of a stranger is going to be terrifying as hell, but you have to just dive into the deep end. Never forget, a little liquid courage never hurt anyone and only makes some dudes a little less Pauly Shore.
My girl Jessie Kahnweiler recently took her wildly successful webseries, The Skinny to Sundance and I suggest you check it out. It's a television show about her on-going struggles with bulimia as she tries to make it as a comedian in Los Angeles. One day, Jessie and I were talking about sex and body image and she told me about how whenever she would fuck a guy, she would be positioning her body to look good, rather than feel good. She was performing sex to create the shapes she thought would make her rolls disappear or her thighs seem slender, instead of riding that dick into orgasm. She rarely enjoyed sex because she was so obsessed with how she looked to the person she was fucking.
But this is the thing: sex is not about how you look, but how you both feel. This is not porn. It's real life sex. And real life sex is gross, sweaty, fun and passionate. (Ask any of my porn star friends, sex on camera is not what happens in their every day lives.)
For all my erratic body image issues and self-hate, sex has been the time I have felt the most free and gained the most confidence about my body. I know the feminists are going to get their tampons in a twist over this next statement, but the confidence I got from hearing men I slept with tell me how much they loved fucking me – or complimenting parts of my naked body I normally would have been disgusted by – gave me this reassuring reality check. I am hot in the sack, not for my waist or my boobs or my pussy, but because I enjoy sex and put my whole self into it. I know you can enjoy sex too, despite that post-anorexic shadow that is clinging onto you like a needy toddler.
Do not be afraid of someone touching your body. Women care about all these little things that men just don't. Men don't notice the tiny inch of chub on our arms or that spider vein in our thigh that sticks out when we don't have a tan. Men just want to devour you like the delicious angel food cake you are. Embrace being eaten.
You will find someone you click with eventually, but you aren't going to find him if you keep masturbating in your bedroom alone. Have a few shots, take some random home from the bar and close your eyes and jump. You will catch yourself. I believe in you and your pussy.
Love, Mish
