I am a 23-year-old dude. My life is changing for the better, and fast. I’ve got a lot going for me, and I’m grateful. I have a screwball sense of humour, I like punks, and judging from comments I’ve heard from more than a few women my age, I’ve also apparently inherited good looks.
Here’s the problem: I have post-traumatic stress disorder. And I’ve never had sex (no, I didn’t join the priesthood). I’ve been living with PTSD for almost 10 years, stemming from extremely painful intersectional traumas and sexualized violence that I can’t talk about, no matter how many third-wave feminist readings I’ve (thankfully) been introduced to.
I desperately want to kindle meaningful friendships that lead to sex. I am determined to become a better person. However, the PTSD has a powerful grip. The moment someone starts taking my clothes off for the first time (and it won’t be vice versa), I have a feeling I will likely either lose consciousness or the ability to move a single muscle in my body. Let alone speak. It’s entirely possible I might become violently ill.
For the other person, I figure it’s probably kinda annoying when the boy passes out before you even get to screw him. Okay, seriously: any ideas for things to say in advance? I feel like I should give some kind of a heads-up. I don’t want to scare the living daylights out of the other person, or have them think I might have some kind of angry scary meltdown. Last but not least, I want to assure them that with some goodwill and patience to get through this, I really am a fucking riot to spend time with.
In short, any ideas for things to say in advance? Or should I even say anything at all? Both approaches seem problematic.
Third Wave feminist texts and words only people in university use are not going to help you. Sorry to be a dick, but here we go. Tough love from your loving, drunk mom who actually cares.
The complete lack of courtship in millennial dating is going to be your downfall. Twenty-somethings hook-up first, then go from there. They are a nation of skanks. Dating has been diminished to swiping left or right. It's not liberating, it's gross and meaningless. No one actually likes being on Tinder. Anyone who says they do is lying. Hard. Mostly to themselves.
But here is the good news: you know yourself. I can tell just from your short email that you are self-aware and confident. You are also very considerate (your main concern was how your past sexual trauma will make that other person feel, and yet you are the one who can't take his clothes off without puking and passing out).
I can’t imagine what you went through, and believe me, I am sorry. But you can get over this. You can. You are not a victim. You are a person who survived some serious bullshit. This thing that happened has taken the last decade of your life. Do not let it take anymore. Fuck that. I hope you are in therapy with a doctor you trust. You owe it yourself to have a life where you can have sex without a full-blown panic attack.
Giving a heads up is not going to "scare the daylights" out of your potential dates, but it will cause some of them to re-think and possibly, run for the hills where there are happy, naked men. And the unfortunate thing is that it's going to take someone who truly, truly likes you for you to wait it out with patience. In a perfect world, you meet someone who also has some past damage, and you work through it together as you fall for one another and overcome your fears with a mix of friendship, charmingly awkward moments and true love. Then, Channing Tatum wins an Academy Award for his heart-breaking performance as you in the movie.
I really want you to get over this. So, instead of worrying about the proper warning to give, focus on beating the fuck out of this trauma so it's out of your life. I know trauma like this never truly evaporates, but you have to try. You have to devote yourself to its murder. I don't know what happened to you, but do not let it take anymore. Don't give it power.
I know I don't know you but I just want to say I am here. I want you to experience sex. Great sex. Mind-blowing, life-altering sex. And more over, I want you to find love. But this is not going to happen if you can't open yourself up enough to let someone else in besides the PTSD.
Easier said than done, but life is short so there's nothing to it, but to do it.
Love,
Mish
EMAIL MISH
Send Mish your own sex questions and queries to [email protected].
