How do I tell my best friend I think their boyfriend is a stupid, pathetic, weak-willed loser? I've known my best friend for three years, but I have known the loser boyfriend for six. Not only did this guy use me as a pawn to screw around on my friend (long story), but he is generally just a dip. He's a barista at Starbucks who's biggest passion is video games. He has no aspirations or dreams and gives up on everything before he's even made a plan. I got a cool job opportunity which means I will be leaving my home and best friend so, I want to make sure he is OK before I go. His boyfriend has big shoes to fill: mine! I care about my friend and I think he can do better, but how do I go about this diplomatically?
One of my favorite people in the world, let’s call her Sandy, was dating a heartless pile for years. The way he treated Sandy was despicable, verbally abusive and just pathetic. (She started off as his mistress, so the relationship was doomed from the start.) It broke my heart every time she called me crying. It broke my heart to hear the horrible things he would say to cut her down. It broke my heart when he would cheat. But, at the same time, all I could do was be there for Sandy, help talk her through it and try to convince her to leave the guy. She is a grown adult and I am not her master.
The break-up took two tries. After all, Seinfeld was right: “Breaking up is like knocking over a coke machine. You can’t do it in one push. You have to rock it back and forth a few times and then it goes over.” The point is that even though I hated this man and wanted nothing more than to scoop Sandy up in my arms like she was a wounded sparrow and take her to safety, she had to do it on her own. And, she did. Finally.
I understand being protective of your friends, especially friends who you feel are not as strong-willed as yourself. You are like the Big Bad Mama Bear and your friend is your precious cub who you must protect from the gnarly predators of the world. But you don’t want to turn that cub into a helpless wuss, so you have to let that cub make mistakes on his own, lose his dinner to a pack of meaner, bigger bears and perhaps, get his heart broken by sexy macho bear.
Now, that being said, it is clear that you really think this video-game-playing-espresso-slinging guy is a loser. But how does your friend feel? Does the barista hurt your friend? Does your friend complain to you about him? Does he ever say that he’s unhappy with the barista? Because if that is happening, you have this great big window of opportunity to let it rip about how bad you think this guy is. You can’t just low blow and insult this guy’s hobbies and his day job – you have to give concrete examples as to why the core of this human being’s soul is a pile of stinking trash. You have to frame your argument as concern for your friend, instead of white-hot hatred for the barista.
You also should decide if you want to tell your friend about the whole cheating thing you mentioned. I look at this story like your extra ammo you have tucked in your back pocket, and it must only be used in a dire situation. This is not about hurting your friend, but helping him, and if he comes to the decision to leave the barista on his own, then there is no point kicking him while he’s down by revealing that barista boy cheated on him months prior. At that point the story is futile. He’s already left the guy.
I’m not big on meddling, but it sounds like you really want to get your friend away from Mr. Starbucks, so if you take anything from this, remember that you are not the Mama Bear and your friend is not the Baby Bear. You are friends and equals. You can’t control what happens with his life. You can help him, be there for him and love him unconditionally like friends do, but heartbreak and dating shitty losers is a part of being young. It is what makes you get hip to self-respect after the light finally turns on. You can’t helicopter parent your best friend’s love life. If you do, he’ll end up an emotional hemophiliac. Just be there for him when he asks it of you and if he gives you the window, go for it.
Until that time, hibernate Mama Bear. You seem exhausted.
