For the last year, I’ve been content with my status as a single, emotionally celibate woman. I’m an old-school, ride-or-die monogamist with protective walls around my heart. Recently, and against my better judgment, I developed feelings for a man in an ethical open relationship. (His relationship with his girlfriend actually started as a polygamous union in which he was the third.)
Obviously I’m way out of my depth, but compelled enough to trudge forward. Our rapport is deeper than lust (though there is plenty of that). We have a strong cerebral connection and I genuinely value his friendship. There was a build-up of about eight months before anything physical occurred. I don’t envision this becoming a big romance, but I’m still fearful of disillusionment. I’ve yet to meet his longtime girlfriend, though it’s on our agenda.
Do you have any suggestions for how to best navigate this? An objection I have is that it feels vaguely anti-feminist for two women to fuss over the same dude. By design or not, everything appears to be centered around him – which is a huge turn-off, honestly. Perhaps I should pursue this but continue to date other people? Do you think I’m setting myself up for failure?
I would like to think there are people in the world who are truly OK with being the “other one” in an open relationship. These freaks can flit from one couple to the next like some free-spirited sexual guest star who is completely immune to emotional attachment. But even freaks like this can’t be 100 per cent unicorn all the time. Maybe they’ll play the role for a while.
As a self-proclaimed “ride-or-die monogamist,” sharing is not your forte. Believe me, I know, because I’m the same. It all boils down to intention. My husband and I are monogamous not out of fear (I’d like to believe our union is strong enough to handle a third party), but because neither of us want to be with anyone else. It’s a choice. I’ve been in other relationships in which I didn’t mind sharing. I was a different person then. I was young. I didn’t hold the same values as I do now.
It all depends what you want out of this relationship. However, judging by the way you posed your dilemma to me, it seems like the idea of being the runner-up to his long-term girlfriend makes you scrambled. Why is your immediate reaction to consider dating again? Is this a protective measure to keep your emotions scattered throughout different relationships? Is the idea of giving it all to someone who won’t be 100 per cent “there” something that scratches at your insecurities?
Most open relationships follow the Partnered Non-Monogamy model. While primarily committed to one another (in a seemingly traditional union), both partners are free to have relationships with other people. However, the primary partner usually trumps the needs of the external relationships. I believe there are those out there who can make these relationships work. For instance, Dan Savage swears upon the happiness of his long-lasting open marriage. Dan and his husband are one another’s primary concern. His husband will always come first over any fling. This is what keeps them together. The question is: Are you OK starting off secondary?
Who knows what will happen. This guy was the third party in his girlfriend’s old relationship and he managed to move up the pecking order. You have no way of predicting how this relationship is going to pan out. None. What you can control is your participation in it. You seem really into this man. (Otherwise, you wouldn’t be asking for my advice.) Meet the girlfriend. See how you feel. Enjoy this whole thing as long as you can. You’ll know if and when you have to kill yourself off. That;s one of the good things about being a guest star: The show will go on. (It just won’t be as interesting without you.)
And I don’t think you should worry too much about whether what you’re doing is anti-feminist. Sure, this man is the nucleus, but who cares? Don’t try to politicize your sex life. You’ve got enough on your plate right now. Only you know what you can handle. Relationships should enhance your life, not hinder it.
And look on the bright side: If it doesn’t work out, dumping him won't be as big a blow. He’s got another pair of boobs to cry into. (Just kidding.)
EMAIL MISH: Send Mish your own sex questions and queries to [email protected].
