Long story short: I met a girl, we became friends and we started a band together, then became sex friends, then I fell in love with her. She said she was in love too, then she back-pedalled and we stopped seeing each other intimately and stayed best friends. But, I'm still in love.
Now she's dating other guys and some are friends of mine. It hurts real bad and I'm mad at her because she's not being sensitive and is hitting on them in front of me, even though she knows how I feel. It sucks that she does that to me, her "friend.”
Of course, she can do whatever she wants to, and I have no right to control her. I know this is my fault for mixing our friendship with my love for her, but she will make out with men in front of me. Men that I introduce her to.
Anyway, the best solution would be to stop seeing her at all, but I don't want to stop the band, and I still want her to be the valuable and important-in-my-life friend she is to me. This situation is driving me crazy and hurting me really bad. What should I do?
I love male heartbreak. It's so honest. Girls will do this thing where they pretend that everything is fine. They will try to convince themselves (out loud to their friends, of course) that they are glad to be single or how this was the best thing to ever happen to them, really, like really, all the while, we onlookers can see the tears bubbling in her ducts.
Men don't do this. When men are heartbroken, they pour their souls out when they know they are in the company of trusted friends. Or when the booze takes over. Otherwise, they play silent like vets fighting the memory of witnessing their best friend's head blown off in battle.
Whenever I am feeling sorry for myself, I like to imagine Justin Timberlake crying. Not that he is the highest echelon of "cool" or anything, but the world basically voted him "Least Likely To Ever Be Dumped" when he left Britney. Picture Mr. Timberlake, sitting in his minimally decorated, multi-million dollar mansion, slumped over a bowl of gluten-free pasta, poking his fork into the dish like a child navigating his last piece of broccoli. He stares around the room and his bottom lip tremors as he fights the sobs. He's got it all, but his china doll heart is cracked into a million pieces and no amount of designer swivel chairs and cowhide rugs can change that. Timberlake loses it. He bawls like a baby and watches the tears drip from his eyes onto the noodles. He rubs them like he's allergic to love. He's blubbering selfishly, hyper ventilating as he prays to God for a paper bag. He can't stop it. He just has to let it out. He has to cry until his pasta is salty soup. Then he throws the dish across the room. He cries even harder once he realizes the mess he has made, and that no one but him has to clean up the mess.
Have you had a good Timberlake cry yet? I suggest you do. Mourn the loss. My grandmother, Geraldine Way, is one of the wisest, toughest, most elegant women I know. When I was heartbroken over my first "true love," I acted like the biggest loser on Plant Crybaby. Sick of my moping, my grandmother asked me something, "What would you do if he had died instead of broken up with you?"
Stunned, I answered cautiously. "I would try to remember the good stuff. I would try to preserve the memory of the things that he did to make my life better, not worse. I would forgive him."
"That's what you have to do now," she said. "He basically is dead. Your relationship has died. You will no longer be together in that way. You have to accept that."
She was right. Harbouring resentment for his decision to move on without me wasn't doing me any favors. It was making me miserable.
Of course it's not that easy, ever. I know it kills you to watch this girl go on unfazed while you blubber into your macaroni salad, but you can't control her actions – you can only control yours.
Let's start with refraining from introducing her to potential suitors she wants to suck face with. You need to take a step away from her. Your interactions should be reserved for band practice alone. And while we are at it… is this band really worth feeling this crappy? A hiatus never killed anyone.
You can't be friends with the girl who just broke your heart. Everyone and their grandmother (including mine) has tried and failed.
Go on YouTube, listen to "Cry Me A River" by Justin Timberlake and just go nuts. Then, wipe your face off. Speak of this to no one, and slowly start backing away from your ex. Tell her you have to take a break from her friendship so you can move on. If you remain her whipping boy, she will stomp all over your heart as she waltzes into her next relationship and before you know it, you'll be there helping her pick out a wedding dress. Forget that.
You can do this. If you were meant to be friends in the future, nothing will stop that.
