We all question our relationships at some point or another. Some do it more frequently than others, and women have a reputation for doing it more than men, asking themselves questions like: "Where is this all going?"and" Why hasn't he called yet?"
The doubt could easily go on forever and snowball into something it's not, much like with the telephone game. I have a friend who is an expert when it comes to overthinking things to the point where it borders on obsession. It usually starts off with something small when someone she's been dating does something out of the ordinary. "He's not calling me as much and going out more with his friends," she'll say. This soon leads to bigger concerns: "Is he as committed as I am to the relationship? Why is he going out so much? Does he want to meet other women? Maybe we don't want the same things," she'll conclude in a matter of minutes
Can you imagine the phone call her new boyfriend is about to get after that train of thought ends? People often pull away from potential partners that overthink because the unpredictability and negative thinking can corrode a relationship. It also plays a big with overall compatibility. Overthinking usually occurs when:
1. There isn't enough communication in a relationship.
2. Past experiences have led someone to be anxious and cautious about potential heartbreak.
3. The person is fearful they will be hurt
4. The overthinker has put a high value on the relationships, similar to the idea of putting all your eggs in one basket.
5. An overthinker's sense of emotional safety draws from physical closeness with their partner.
People use past experiences to guide our behavior. Someone who is highly anxious is not necessarily doomed to fail in a relationship, but often need to foster a sense of safety through communicating effectively. Attachment styles can also change through time depending on whether a level of emotional safety can be established within the relationship.
A relationship status that does not suggest security can also led people to overthinking and anxiety. Truth be told, no relationship can guarantee your partner won't leave you. It's the imagined sense of security when your partner makes a commitment that makes a difference.
At the end of the day, most people want to feel special, important and close to the person they care about. You don't always have to reciprocate how your partner loves you, but it is important to show it in your own way.
Readers: I will be taking any questions that you have for the next month and choosing two of them to answer in an upcoming column. Email me your story. Successful submissions will be kept anonymous so feel free to say what's on your mind.
Amy Yew is a researcher and therapist. Tell us what you think and submit any questions you have to [email protected]. You can also tweet your thoughts on Twitter @AmyYew.
