Your twenties are for discovering yourself. It’s for making all the mistakes and trying to pick up and the pieces in this game we call life. When it comes to sex and relationships, I have come to a few conclusions from personal experience.
1. Get tested more often than you think you should (it’s free in Canada, you asshole)
I’ve been living in America on and off for a year now, and guess what? The healthcare system sucks here. In a way, us Canadians are a lot less crafty when it comes to home remedies because we have always been able to just go to the doctor. In America, people get a lot tougher, having Krazy Glued their cuts instead of going to the ER. However, when it comes to your sexual health, there’s only so many things you can really fix at home.
Take advantage of this and get tested more than you think you should. Being sexually active is an awesome responsibility and you have to protect yourself as well as your partners (even if they do turn out to be total jerks).
2. Their house, not yours
Let’s say you take some random home from the bar. You wake up and do the whole “Coyote Ugly” thing and realize you want them out, like, now. You can make up plenty of great excuses (“I have to work in an hour”, “I have a dentist appointment in 15 minutes”, “Oh my god! My building is on fire!”), but some of us are really crappy liars. For those of us who can’t lie our way out of a one-night-stand-mistake, always go to their house. You can slink out at any time without guilt. A simple, “Well, I’ll see you around!” will usually suffice as you fumble with the door.
3. It’s okay to say no
It is perfectly okay to say no to anything anyone asks of you. This extends beyond just the sexual realm, but is especially important when it comes to sex. As teenagers, there’s so much pressure to progress at the speed of your peers and that really blows. As an adult, this shit does not matter anymore. You can say “no” to whatever the hell you want at either age; don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
4. First dates without alcohol will never get you laid
If someone asks me out for coffee I know I’m not getting laid. Who wants their first date with someone they are romantically interested to be a coffee date? Coffee makes for bad breath and bad breath is not for kissing.
5. There’s nothing wrong with liquid courage now and again
In that same vein, I don’t think there is anything wrong with a little liquid encouragement. Sometimes a glass or wine or two helps break the ice that is your anxiety-ridden self-consciousness. I’m not condoning getting obliterated and blacking out to solve your sexual fears because that’s never a great idea, but there is nothing wrong with needing a little liquid courage.
6. Talk it out: Everything is embarrassing so nothing really matters
Sex is inherently embarrassing because we have made it that way. We have encircled it with shame and rules and body-consciousness instead of accepting it for what it is: The one thing we can all do and love to do. My rule is, if you “trust” someone enough to play genital chess with them, then you should be able to talk to them about the game. It’s not easy, but once you break the ice, you’ll feel better.
7. Jealousy is ugly on everyone
In my early twenties I really did some insane ex-girlfriend things. I threw rocks at my ex-boyfriend’s window and ruined the sex he was having with another girl (yes, I know: I am psycho of the year). I spread bad rumors. I did anything to protect myself when I was feeling extremely insecure from being broken up with by someone I loved. But you know what I learned? Jealously is ugly on everyone. You can’t control anyone, ever. Once you truly realize this, your inner demons will drain from you like water from a bath tub.
8. The dykes are hotter in Paris
I once woke up at a lesbian bar in Paris with a table of gorgeous Parisian dykes smiling at me. I am convinced this is what heaven is like.
