1950s JACKIE WILSON
Before Jackie Wilson became famous, he was a high school dropout in a street gang called the Shakers and boxed for a living in Detroit. Later, he was discovered by Johnny Otis and became the superstar we all remember. Jackie had an amazing voice. He was smooth as butter. He danced like a grasshopper on Percocets. They called him "Mr. Excitement". Come on, who wouldn't want to lock it down with "Mr. Excitement"?
1960s LARRY DAVID
I know, I know. Larry David is looking pretty sour grapes these days (except for that smile, goddamn), but the man is almost a trillion years old. Just hear me out on this one. Look at him when he was in his 20s – all squeaky clean with those velvet lips. Not bad. Sure, I'd have to deal with a man who pays so much attention to the details that it runs his entire existence, but I would also get to be married to the guy who wrote Seinfeld. Seinfeld!
Even I could live in that shadow. If I married Larry David I would have a wicked-hilarious extended family, get to call bad drivers "shmohawks" plus, celebrate Christmas and Hanukkah. Even if none of these fantasies came true and it turned out that Larry David was a crappy husband, bad kisser and total asshole, I'd get to retire in that sweet LA mansion he has and "do brunch" with Susie Essman on a regular basis.
1970s TOM VERLAINE
There is no way that Tom Verlaine would have fallen for a high profile starlet. However, he did fall for Patti Smith and so this is "Famous Men I Would Have Tried To Marry If I Was Patti Smith". We would be high as kites running around New York, arms wrapped around one another's slender, androgynous junkie bodies as we discussed punk rock and poetry. We would share a bare, single mattress on the floor and bathe in one another's post-show sweat. We would swap shirts and books about Communism, dog-earring our favourite passages while swapping spit through dry tongues. We would be totally stupid, whimsical and living in that heroin dream haze that not even a piano falling from the sky can squash. We'd cook pasta and make out. A lot. Even our fights would be beautiful. Everyone would smell us coming. Our friends would want to be us, while talking shit behind our backs the minute we left the room. Cigarettes for breakfast and dope for lunch. Then, years later, our disgusting junkie lives would be seen as glamorous to aspiring punk rockers.
1980s PAUL WESTERBERG
Paul Westerberg and his bandmates in The Replacements were drinkers. They loved the booze. Minnesota pride. I would take that man and caress his hair while his thick, drunken Minneapolis beer breath calmed my temples like essential oils. I would put up with the whiskey dick night after night, just to sit next to him as he played around on his acoustic guitar, writing songs about us that would turn into punk rock relics. I would help him get dressed when he couldn't speak. I would stock the fridge with Budweiser. I would be the designated driver, always. Yeah, you know what? I would dare.
1990s JASON MEWES
Dating Jason Mewes in the ‘90s would be like playing LIFE and drawing the "split-level shack" card and a food stamp salary – shit luck from the get-go. But I like a fixer-upper, I like a challenge, so I'd live and breathe his junkie bullshit if it meant I got to come home to him whispering, "Let me get up in them guts," as a sex request. In the ‘90s Mewes was not a man, he was boy – a boy who's main concern was getting his dick wet and t-bagging his sleeping friends. Normally, this kind of mentality would send me raging, but Mewes is goofy, innocent, obnoxious and, in my fantasy, I can fall for that. Hard.
