Certain things happen to your body and your mind when you go from a 19-year-old woman to a 29-year-old-one. I’m sure that if my mom read this she’d laugh in my face, show me her C-section scars and make me feel an inch tall, but my changes are still legitimate as I hit my 30th birthday.
Though the following may seem negative, I must preface by stating the following: we only value youth in this culture because it is fleeting. As I age, I embrace the bullshit and try to remember how lame it was to be 21 years old, because it was, in fact, the worst. Thankfully, I no longer have to cruise Craigslist looking for suckers willing to buy my dirty underwear so I can pay my unexpectedly large electricity bill. So there are some perks.
YOU HAVE TO TAKE PILLS EVERY DAY
Girls don’t have to take pills every day. They drink milk, eat candy and brush their teeth with bubble gum toothpaste. When you are 21, your body is an invincible, curvy canvas stretched tight over your bones. Damn. Now, I have to take fish oil, cranberry pills, Vitamin C, digestive enzymes and Metamucil. If I don’t, I won’t be able to take a shit for days, I’ll get a UTI and then probably break out with acne. Warning ladies, hormones come back in wicked ways just before 30.
YOU HAVE TO WATCH WHAT YOU CONSUME
Gone are the days when I can stuff my drunken face with McDonalds, wash it down with a cola and a pack of cigarettes then pass out on the couch with my shoes on. If I do that now I wake up feeling terrible. It just doesn’t feel good. I want to eat fruits, leaves, nice steak and nuts. They taste great and they don’t break my bowels. Being a woman means knowing that consumption is a good thing (I’ll never grow out of being a lush), but only in moderation.
YOU CAN'T GO TO WORK HUNGOVER (THAT OFTEN) ANYMORE
Remember when you were 19 and you could drink a six-pack of sugary coolers, barf your guts out and still make it to soccer practice the next morning? It’s such a magical thing but it does not last long. I can still party and then suffer through an eight-hour work day, but I feel devastated and the minute I sit down to go pee, I want to throw up all over the floor.
YOU CAN SHARE CLOTHES WITH YOUR MOTHER
My mother looks good for her age. Excellent in fact, but she takes care of herself by running, hiking with her dogs and eating right. When my mom buys a new pair of jeans then freaks out because they are a bit too hip, she passes them onto me. This is a new thing for us. As much as I love it, it reminds me that I am no longer (and will never, ever again be) a size 2.
YOUR BRAS LAST LONGER THAN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
Sadly, my boobs are as big as they are ever going to get (until some unlucky fool knocks me up). This means I have bras that have lasted the length of at least three long-term relationships. When you turn into a woman, you forget to treat yourself to bras because they don’t really matter anymore. What kind of woman fucks with her bra on anyway?
YOUR FRIENDS ARE GETTING MARRIED AND HAVING BABIES AND YOU THINK YOU COULD TOO
One day everyone is sitting in the park talking about bass strings and tank tops then the next it’s baby names and travelers’ insurance. It’s a pretty nice little fantasy and then you open your fridge and see only pickles and stale bread or use the toilet roll to wipe when you realize there is no toilet paper. When you have kids, when you have a family, there a certain expectations. I think a full roll of toilet paper is one of them.
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