Disappointing or possibly hurting someone can be difficult but sometimes necessary. Some people eventually muster up enough courage to do it while some avoid the confrontation honesty brings. A friend recently had to break up with someone, and that situation brought forth the issue of conversations we all hate to have with our partners. Is there even a good way to reveal the ugly truth to those you are involved with?
You can't always avoid breaking someone's heart but there are ways to have conversations on sensitive topics that will maximize positive outcomes.
1. Breaking up
The result of how someone might feel after a breakup has more to do with how you did it rather than why. What is salient in that person's mind is the fact that you are breaking up with them. The reasons behind that decision will often provide closure. The method of how you terminate the relationship should reflect what the relationship meant to you.
2. Are we there yet
There is a point in dating relationships where one partner wants to take it to the next level in making it official. Don't approach it by requesting the change of relationship status on Facebook. Be ready to have an honest conversation and realize that just because someone is not quite there yet doesn't mean that they won't eventually move forward with you.
3. You can do better in bed_I know you can
This one can be tricky because social norms discourage conversations about sex. We're not equipped with skills for talking about such things because sex has been taught to be a private act. If there is something you would like to improve in the bedroom, simply suggest new things you can try. Wanting to try new things does not mean your partner is bad in bed.
4. Chill out
We all experience points in our lives when the pressure of life almost makes us cave in. We exaggerate and have increased sensitivity to anything. It can be difficult to tell your partner to calm down and breathe without the assumption that you are minimizing the situation and highlighting your partner's irrationality. Acknowledging that your partner is having a difficult time and that you are there to support them can sometimes put into perspective the relative magnitude of whatever they may be going through.
5. Where do you see it going
This is a difficult question that can come at any point of the relationship. You may not have an answer because people move at different paces but it's important to know that it is unfair to keep someone on hold for a long period of time. Be honest and honour the needs of your partner and the importance of meeting those needs even if it means terminating the relationship so they can find someone else.
6. I really hate your_
There are little quirks about our partner that bother us. However, pick your battles and realize the fine line of being too critical. When talking to your partner, separate your partner's actions from our partner as an individual. Just because they don't put the dishes away doesn't reflect their value as a partner.
7. Want to be roomies?
Moving in together with your partner is a signal that you are ready to move forward in a relationship. Rejection to this kind of proposal may make many people doubt their partner's level of commitment to the relationship and question where the relationship is going. This is a big decision with big consequences so don't expect that everyone will swoon to the romantic notion of this proposal.
8. Can you please stop talking to your ex or friend?
Many of us fear our partner will think us insecure or controlling when you make this request. We often fear what we don't know and we have the notion that talking about our ex is a big taboo. Be open to your partner and understand that they may have a different mindset of where an ex should belong in their array of relationships.
9. Have you thought of doing more with your life/career?
Ask your partner if they are where they would like to be in their life/career. If their answer is no, be part of the solution and not the problem. Ask them how you can help them reach their goal. This will define your role as part of the solution and avoid overstepping in their process.
10. I'm just not interested
We don't always get what we want but know that even though the person may be hurt that you don't feel the same way they do it's better than someone pretending they do. You are taking valuable time away from them to meet someone else that may a better match.
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Amy Yew is a researcher and therapist. Tell us what you think and submit any questions you have to [email protected]. You can also tweet your thoughts on Twitter @AmyYew.
