We say well never settle. At least we try not to. Weve seen a rise in the number of single people and we are finding it more socially acceptable to retain the single label. But just because people are not proclaiming to be in a committed relationship, it doesnt mean that they arent in some form of a quasi relationship.
What I mean by this are those in between relationships including friends with benefits. This also includes the person who is there and gives you all the security of what a partner offers momentary then cycles in and out of your life. The issue is that many people arent ready or want a relationship but miss the comfort of what it feels like to be in a caring relationship. After all, it is an innate and basic need to belong and feel comfort we all share as human beings.
I know what youre thinking. This is a having your cake and eating it too situation. The truth is I was in a situation like that for many years and even my friends couldnt use logic to overcome my emotions for that person. The most difficult part of the cycle was the feeling that each time we said goodbye, I feared that it would be last time I ever saw him. As much as I rationalized our relationship, it was disheartening to finally see what was really in front of me for years.
We all say we will never be in that situation until we are. Its often difficult for us to see that we deserve better than half of a person because our ideals are just dreams. Until weve experienced it, finding enough courage to believe theres an alternative is merely a mirage. Taking a chance involves the belief and hope for something we long to have. You may be meant to fall in love with someone but that doesnt mean you were meant to be together forever.
Be ready for loneliness and self-doubt to widen the cracks that are already there. There is nothing rosy about losing someone you love no matter how awful they were to you. If you decide not to set a standard of how you expected to be treated you may never get close to it. A person will have two choices: to rise up to the occasion or choose to walk away. Know what you want and stick to it. The person who has the most to gain will always be you if someone chooses not to treat you in a manner that is caring.
In that same respect that hope can send us into the arms of a new love it can also be the very reason you stay in quasi relationships. We often hope that in time things will change. Unfortunately, in these situations it can often feel like a bad case of déjà vu with little changing. Resolution is something you actively seek. New partners can open your eyes to qualities that are positive in a great relationship and can actually give you a platform for getting over an ex if you allow your heart to stay open.
The old saying of you can get over someone by getting under someone else does hold some truth if you pick the right partner who is not just in it for sex. Being physically close to someone can biologically create comfort and feelings of euphoria. The motivation to seek what is pleasurable from our new partner strengthens with time while old connections weaken.
This concept does have one caveat. If you have committed to the idea that there is no one better out there for you than your ex, you have essentially committed your heart to them. You will always be looking for qualities that disprove a new connection and validate the old. Love is out there and you have to choose to see it.
Amy Yew is a researcher and therapist. Tell us what you think and submit any questions you have to [email protected]. You can also tweet your thoughts on Twitter @AmyYew.
