Once in awhile we all get lucky and find that great job we longed for all our lives or finding great friends that are willing to hold you up in your moment of weakness. In many ways, we connect with those similar to us on some level. There's no doubt that we think or strive to find someone that matches us and in most cases it's defined in terms of similarity.
As society and the dynamics between men and women continue to be redefined, we are all trying to find our bearings when it comes to connecting with others. People are now opting to stay single instead of settling for a mediocre relationship. However, when someone comes along that far exceeds our expectations are we willing to accept that?
I recently came by an article in Flare magazine that addressed whether it matters how pretty your friends are and how it affected the way we feel about ourselves. Are we more likely to feel better about ourselves because we're surrounded by better looking friends? Conversely, being friends with very beautiful people can also make someone feel worse about themselves. So which one is it and does it apply to romantic relationships.
The new series Girls stars Lena Dunham as a twenty-something girl who is insecure about her weight and often questions how she landed a great guy. In Sex and The City, a very attractive man asked out the pessimistic Miranda on a date. But her insecurity overtook her ability to accept that someone far more attractive could be interested in her and that promptly ended the relationship. My girlfriends have also been guilty of being unable to accept and find a spark with someone who far exceeded their expectations.
Someone once told me that passing up a great person is similar to holding a winning lottery ticket but never cashing it in. It may seem like a no brainer but clearly this stretches far beyond logic. Surely we don't all suffer from low self-esteem and don't think we deserve or want better?
When we look to research, a low percentage of people actually reported feeling less happy about themselves when their friends are gorgeous. However, in relationships it can often leave us wondering if we will be able to give back to our potential partner in the way they give to us. The truth is sometimes we're just not ready for a good thing because the timing isn't right or we haven't grown into ourselves enough to be able to see what we need. Just because someone is a good person doesn't mean they are the right person for you.
The emotional state that you are in when you meet your partner matters, too. Loneliness can alter how you see your partner. We are more attuned to what we need when we lack it the most. This is why some people form a quick and intense connection only to realize later on the relationship that they are not as compatible as they once thought. The need to feel loved and belong shaded their perception of qualities in the other person that are ultimately deal breakers.
We are now a society that obsesses so much about perfect equality in relationships that we may be shielding ourselves from meaningful connections. Good relationships enrich and help us grow and so will taking a chance on someone who is willing to invest in your happiness. Just make sure it's for the right reasons.
Amy Yew is a researcher and therapist. Tell us what you think and submit any questions you have to [email protected]. You can also tweet your thoughts on Twitter @AmyYew.
