As far back as I can remember, support is thought of as a positive thing. It can make us feel like we're not alone and comforted. In fact, the level of support is the primary factor that distinguishes married people from single in terms of overall well-being. However, is support hard to accept and also reciprocate?
Generally, I've always been generous with sharing what I have and also have a caregiving nature when it comes to people I'm close to. When my friends are sick, I often make extra efforts to send tea and tissues their way. It was no surprise that when my friend Ian was sick I would do the same. Much to my surprise, he seemed uncomfortable with my kind gesture and reacted in a way that was atypical of our usual interaction. It was at that time he disclosed his discomfort with support that involves a sense of genuine care. He simply didn't know how to react.
This can also apply to intimate relationships if one partner is uncomfortable accepting support from the other. The receiving spouse fears that an expectation is superimposed onto the well-intentioned action. Partners will often react by rejecting the kind gesture because they are unsure of their capability in reciprocating support back in the same way.
Someone once told me that "feeling too comfortable with support is the first step towards co-dependence and the loss of independence."
Accepting support can sometimes be particularly difficult for someone who has been single for a while. Being single requires you to do it all yourself. This means everything from carrying the heavy groceries to learning how to install the television set in your house all by yourself. Independence can be liberating and powerful in creating self-assertion.
The side effect of prolonged independence can manifest with difficulties in supportive interaction. However, similar to how independence is developed, the ability to rely on your partner involves the same learning curve. The acceptance of support shows a willingness to let your partner in and fosters a sense of unity that creates an emotional connection.
It can be incredibly lonely and overwhelming to know that you have to do it all on your own. Even though learning to accept support with an open heart involves an aspect of letting go of some control, it can be extremely comforting. Much like the old saying that two heads are better than one so are two hearts when it comes to fostering emotional well being.
Keep in mind that while romance builds lust, support builds love.
Amy Yew is a researcher and therapist. Tell us what you think and submit any questions you have to [email protected]. You can also tweet your thoughts on Twitter @AmyYew.
