It wasn’t too long ago that I was in New York after deciding to try being a New Yorker for a month. Were women there really like TV shows such as Girls and Sex and The City portrayed them to be? I took the subway everywhere (like a true New Yorker), met lots of powerful women all racing to the top of a company and also women who would never take crap from anyone — I mean anyone.
While I found that men didn’t exactly differ too much from men in Vancouver, the women sure did. They were a lot more high powered and vocal about just what’s on their mind even if it’s offensive. During a trip downtown for work one day on the busy subway, I saw a woman who was pregnant standing and promptly offered her a spot. She kindly declined and said that she was getting off in two stops. During lunch I casually mentioned to a co-worker what I did on the subway and she said, “Don’t you think that’s kind of sexist? I mean just because she’s pregnant doesn’t mean she can’t stand.” In her view, I probably set feminism back about 20 years.
Making headlines was Miley Cyrus’ campaign on “slut-shaming” where she believes society does not respect her choice to be an individual after boldly baring all for her music video. While sexual experimentation and partner hopping when you’re younger is not generally acceptable in society because it earns you the title of being “dirty” or “slutty,” most people go through that phase. The difference is usually that people, especially women, choose to be less vocal about their sexual experience. Furthermore, a Twitter storm ensued last week on whether offering a seat is considered a decent thing to do or simply offending.
Feminism’s push for equality between men and women has been well rooted in history and while it has progressed significantly has left many (especially men) slightly dazed and confused. Does this mean offering to pay on a date mean that you’re asserting your partner is “the weaker” sex or that you’re somehow more “powerful” than them? Does a man holding a door for a woman mean that women are seen as the weaker sex and need help? This is all overwhelming for a perhaps well-intentioned man who is just being courteous. To be honest, as a woman this is confusing to me as well because the last thing I want to do is offend someone or be accused of being sexist.
For one, Miley Cyrus has continued to progress on her path because society has rewarded her for her daringly bold nudity. As Lisa Wade (PhD) puts it, “That’s what the system rewards. That’s not freedom. It’s a strategy.” There’s a clear difference between being sexist and being kind. I can’t say that I wouldn’t offer up my seat for a pregnant woman on the subway because it’s the polite and kind thing to do. If men didn’t offer to pay on the first date, they’re seen as cheap or a jerk. It’s really tough for a man who is living in changing times that are significantly different from what our parents experienced. It seems like a cold world when people have to justify their kind acts and everything is seen to have a political agenda.
Feminism sets out to ensure that women have the opportunities that are given to men. It has less to do with eradicating kindness within society although it can seem that way. As my final days wind down in New York, my faith for optimism and random acts of kindness were renewed when I saw three pedestrians rush over to help an elderly man who had fallen when crossing the street.
Amy Yew is a registered clinical counselor and relationship therapist. Tell us what you think and submit any questions you have to [email protected]. You can also tweet your thoughts on Twitter @AmyYew.
