As time passes, we continue to learn more about relationships and ourselves. Part of how we navigate social scenes has a lot to do with our past experiences and what we think appeals to other people. Prolonged negative experiences in relationships can leave a person sour and bitter. It can close us off to others put us in a defensive stance to protect our hearts.
In the recent weeks, Ive had several men confess that they dont want a relationship. This fascinates me because pairing up has been one of the foundations of human experience since the beginning of time. Most of them make it a distinct point that they dont need a relationship or care for it.
Jack was just the man to base this story on. He openly admits that hes not into relationships and really has no desire for one. In fact, his independence has led him to enjoy his singleness. I must confess it was slightly unusual for someone to be this straightforward and upfront about this especially when he barely knew me. He was married in his early 20s and his wife had cheated on him during the marriage. He was angry and passionate about how he was wronged and the atrocity that has claimed his heart. He says he has given up on the idea of love.
Even though I empathized with Jack, his anger was so toxic that anyone drawing in a partner with that stance would find it extremely difficult and overwhelming. Both men and women find optimism as a positive trait and a key component in what they look for in a partner. When we think of someone we would like to spend the rest of our lives with, we hope that those days are filled with mostly happy times. Stepping into a conversation with negativity and anger paints the sky grey. Lets face it, theres enough of that out there.
The key is to also set out reasonable expectations. If we expect that everyone is going to see us as we see ourselves it may be a difficult standard to reach. Connecting with someone takes time and those who are ready will be open to it. Rejection can be a hard pill to swallow because your pride takes over the rational brain. We also attract the energy that we give out.
The truth is theres nothing you can do to change the past or the fact that someone was careless with your heart and left you with the pieces to pick up. True bravery comes from those who continue to keep an open heart and look forward to the future with hope. I can honestly say that bad relationships have made me appreciate the good ones more than ever. Youre able to grow your emotional self and realize what you truly need from a partner.
As the New Year approaches, put the past behind you and invest positively into the future and what you wish it to look like.
***
Amy Yew is a researcher and therapist. Tell us what you think and submit any questions you have to [email protected]. You can also tweet your thoughts on Twitter @AmyYew.
