Some people spend a fair amount of energy and time searching for true love. We experience bad dates, lonely nights and make mistakes all in the name of finding the one. For those who have found love, it can feel like a long time coming but what happens after you get there? Do you just hold hands and ride off into the sunset? Whats waiting for you after you fall in love?
We often believe that the struggle comes before you fall in love. There is also a large number of people falling out of love. It seems that falling in love is certainly not the end. You can count marriage and children as next steps after you have found the one but one could only wonder what is the next chapter. Being in love can sometimes feel stagnant for many because you often fall into a routine. It sounds horrible but routine helps to keep things predictable especially for couples that have a busy schedule.
Couples often dont realize that sharing the same space together creates a larger emphasis on staying in love. Its easy for couples to become roommates when they share a space. Romance and kisses are now being traded for grocery shopping and laundry together. The intensity and passion of love is the hardest part to keep alive. So should we accept that this is just the way it is and be happy with the few moments of romance we may feel from our partner? That certainly doesnt sound like a very attractive option.
The truth is when we first meet our partners and fall madly in love, were sucked into a world where time is best spent with them. You sacrifice time out with your buddies and going to the gym because you cant seem to get enough of your partner. However, as the intensity wears off with time, your life begins to regain a sense of normalcy again. The transition can be difficult for many and couples also have a hard time communicating effectively around that issue.
We often gauge our relationship thermometer by how much time our partners spend with us. It seems to make sense. If someone likes you then they want to be around you. However, its not as simple as that. When change happens our natural instinct is to take action so things are at a place that provides emotional comfort. Balance is key and individual growth breeds a better relationship because new experiences shared combats boredom. Couples also need to remember that just because you live together does not mean you spend quality time. Sustaining a connection takes intentional action and awareness.
So whats life like after finding love? Love goes through stages and moves from passionate love to deep attachment. Theres a sense of predictability and comfort, a search for connectedness and autonomy and sustaining expectations. Staying in love is really a state of mind. Feeling that you have a true purpose in your partners life and believing that theres always more to learn from your partner will keep the fire going. Communicating and making time to include your partner will keep you connected.
There is no perfect key that will unlock the answer for you. Maybe our own definition of what love can offer is failing us in the long run when we expect more than what love delivers. Communicate instead of complaining and take action instead of waiting. Feeding the fire requires more than just oxygen and so does staying in love.
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Amy Yew is a researcher and therapist. Tell us what you think and submit any questions you have to [email protected]. You can also tweet your thoughts on Twitter @AmyYew.
