OK. I get it. Dating in Vancouver is a real issue for people. After last weeks article on what Vancouverites think about the dating scene, I received emails from many readers expressing just what they thought. To my surprise, the responses were mainly from men who told me harsh stories of rejection and judgments thrown their way when they approach women in Vancouver.
So, ladies, I know this can go both ways but are we just plain snobby? The most common answer I get from women is that they are simply sick of the mind games guys play in this city. I also hear the same thing from men, too. So what is going here?
It appears that both men and women may be defensive in dating. Both sides are fearful of rejection, judgment and heartbreak. To protect ourselves, we try to assess if someone who is approaching us may have any potential negative qualities. That mentally can also give rise for us to the tendency to focus on the bad. Nobodys perfect and if youre going into dating with that perspective youre less likely to find many matches.
For those who make it through the first few dates with someone who is focusing on finding the negatives and detecting relationship landmines, you can be sure its a challenge. The relationship is likely to be built on having to prove to the other person that youre trustworthy and genuine.
The fact is we need to be doing more rather than talking. During your first date, instead of asking about past relationships (which is really just a form of assessing what could be wrong with them) try building on common interests. Your relationship with the other person on the first date is not strong enough to weather the challenges that may come with opening the ex files. Get out and do things with your date.
The challenges of dating have opened up a whole new industry for dating online. The feedback I receive about online dating is divided right down the middle. Ive decided to follow a friend that has just moved to Vancouver from a small town and looking to find a long-term relationship. His short time that hes been in Vancouver so far has led him to a great career but his dating life has been less than successful.
His most recent dating experience was with a girl he met through work and even though they got along great, she was unsure of where she saw the relationship going. Past issues of trust from her previous relationship made her more hesitant to open herself up to a new relationship. The relationship ended, and now hes decided to try online dating.
It will be a great opportunity to follow my friend Kev as he navigates through the online dating scene on match.com. I will be covering his journey and follies on his road to finding true love in future columns. By examining the process of online dating, I will highlight what increases your chances of success, address challenges and also the limits to a new type of new age dating.
Stay tuned. This should be interesting.
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Amy Yew is a researcher and therapist. Tell us what you think and submit any questions you have to [email protected]. You can also tweet your thoughts on Twitter @AmyYew.
