The old saying is men are from Mars and women are from Venus. The idea behind that analogy is that men and women think differently. Men have been traditionally seen as concrete thinkers and problem solvers while woman are more emotional and complex. Communication is one of the key pillars of a great relationship. After all, a large component of couples therapy is built on bridging the communication gap between couples so they come to see the problem as one and overcome the issue collaboratively.
I hosted a dinner party last week with friends of mine that began dating a year ago. It was great to see two people come together and an even better opportunity for me to pick their brains on what made their relationship work. Casey is her late 40s and was previously married with a son. Jonathan is a successful entrepreneur in his 60s and was also previously married with three children. Despite challenging relationships in their past, this couple communicated like a great song in harmony. I listened as they tried to probe my thoughts on relationships while they collectively shared what worked in theirs.
Casey began to share a her thoughts on communication and at one point uttered, Sometimes you dont need him to solve a problem. You just need him to listen. Jonathan responded with: We just want to help. If we help solve the problem then we solve the issue and can move on. What Casey and Jonathan shared is a fairly common series of thoughts that guide our decision on how we support our partner. Couples often dance around the issue of what they truly need. We think we give our partner signs or breadcrumbs that lead them to the solution. Just like an explorer, the information we see can be subjective and lead us astray.
Research shows that not all support is good. It can be detrimental to your relationship when you give your partner the kind of support they were not looking for. We are also often uncomfortable with conflict or sadness and immediately try to pull the person you care about out of it. It may seem simple but sometimes all you need is for your partner to reassure you that things will be okay. The idea behind support is to instill a sense of hope and empowerment that you believe your partner will be able to get through it.
Remember how I mentioned that giving your partner the kind of support they are not seeking could be detrimental to your relationship? The reason why is because we often think that if our partners are not intuitive to our needs that the relationship is inherently flawed. We are building on the notion that likeness and compatibility are the keys to a strong relationship. The truth is we learn through trial and error. Finding someone who can intuitively anticipate your needs is great but most of the time its experience with your partner that moves the relationship forward. A mistake only becomes who you are as a couple when its left unresolved. Use your strongest tool in your box and say what you need. Your partner will thank you.
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Amy Yew is a researcher and therapist. Tell us what you think and submit any questions you have to [email protected]. You can also tweet your thoughts on Twitter @AmyYew.
