It may be shocking to some but statistics show that 20 to 40 per cent of heterosexual men and 20 to 25 per cent of married women report having an affair within their lifetime. This boils down to two to four per cent of men and women admitting to having an affair in the past year. Those statistics are high if you add the incidents that are not reported.
Affairs happen more often than we think. This year the release of reality TV show The Mistress give a public unveiling to a once private phenomenon. Host Sarah Symonds, who used to be a mistress, sets out to help women in Vancouver get out of dead end affairs and find a renewed sense of confidence and happiness. I had to chance to speak with Symonds this week about affairs and how people end up in them.
My first question to her was why anyone would get involved with someone who is attached or married. Symonds postulates that married men and women have affairs with other married people because they both have as much to lose. According to Symonds there are three types of affairs a woman can be involved with: a woman goes into it knowing the man is married and deals with it; a womans new dating partner is deceitful and does not disclose hes married until shes in too deep; a woman finds a man that is unhappy in a marriage and looking for a connection.
But Symondss message to women is that they dont have to accept second best. When you have an affair with a married man he gets the best of both worlds and youre essentially sharing half a man, Symonds say. Chemistry will often push someone to overlook the negative aspects of their partner while increasing focus on the good memories they shared.
Symonds also believes that in cases when people pursue an unavailable mate, the fantasy of what it could be overtakes the reality of what they are actually getting out of the relationship. She urges women to stop waiting for their married partner to change but to rather take charge of how they want their life to look like and find it.
Symonds offers 13 steps to getting out of an affair with a married person.
1. Admit you have a problem.
2. Commit to reclaiming your life.
3. Implement steps to cut ties with your married person.
4. Make a list of all you have given up during your affair.
5. Make a list of all the empty promises they made to you.
6. Come clean to all your family and friends you have lied to.
7. Find a supportive friend to keep you strong.
8. Monitor and empower yourself.
9. Practise being single. Go on a date or out with friends.
10. Commit to never letting yourself be second best.
11. Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
12. Share the message with others.
13. Enjoy a glass of wine and give yourself the credit for all the hard work you did.
Symonds emphasizes that the world of a mistress can be less glamorous than the typical portrayal of living in the lap of luxury thanks to a rich man who funds their expenses. There is often a chronic sense of loneliness, frustration and lowered self-esteem when youre in a relationship with someone that is unavailable. Holidays such as Thanksgiving or Christmas are spent knowing that the man is with his married partner. At the end of the day, being alone doesnt have to feel lonely and Symonds is a true romantic in reminding us that romance and relationship bliss is out there. You just have to find it.
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Amy Yew is a researcher and therapist. Tell us what you think and submit any questions you have to [email protected]. You can also tweet your thoughts on Twitter @AmyYew.
