When Jonathan*, a Vancouver father of two, recalls his childhood, he remembers the back-to-school season with fondness. I was excited to reunite with friends and to find out who my new teacher would be, he says. But, he says, his nine-year-old son is the opposite.
Come September every year, he is a bundle of nerves about everything to do with school, from friends to tests. As soon as August rolls around and he sees all the back-to-school flyers, he begins worrying.
Jonathans son isnt the only child who worries about returning to school in the fall. Back-to-school anxiety can become crippling to a child if parents arent prepared to work through it with their kids.
The most common back-to-school worries
According to Dr. Michal Regev, a registered psychologist and marriage and family therapist in Vancouver, the most common back-to-school-related anxieties among children centre on academic achievement, the unknown and bullying or social anxiety.
Children who have had the experience of falling short or failing academically tend to relax over the summer months, and then become more concerned and anxious as the summer holidays draw to an end, explains Dr. Regev.
This may be especially true for children whose parents reproach them for not achieving a particular standard, for kids with ADD and ADHD who may feel anxiety over having to stay focused and stationary for long periods of time when school starts, and for those who may face teasing because they have older siblings who are more successful in school than they are.
Dr. Regev adds that children who are moving to a new school or who are going to have a new teacher may be nervous about what they dont know. Its the fear of the unknown that can fill a child with paralyzing dread.
He or she may ask what-if questions like, What if I cant find my way around the school? or What if my new teacher doesnt like me? or What if I miss my old teacher and friends?
Unfortunately, bullying is another common worry among children returning to schooland more often than parents would like, bullying is an ugly truth in many schoolyards. Whether your child is a victim of bullying or a witness to it, he or she may be experiencing anxiety, reluctance to go back to school, and low self-esteem as a result, says Dr. Regev.
Often, children who are being bullied are somewhat shy and self-conscious, she notes. Social shyness or anxiety may cause a child to fear to the point where he may exhibit physical symptoms such as stomach ache, nausea and/or headaches.
But sometimes, children take their cues from parents. Some parents feel anxious about their kids going back to school, especially if they are just starting school, Dr. Regev elaborates. Kids feed off their parents anxiety and may react with anxiety themselves. It is advisable for parents to be aware of their own anxiety and to get help for themselves if that is the case.
How to help your child
Talk and listen to your child. Remind your child that school is just around the corner, and ask him or her directly how he or she is feeling about it. If the answer is less than enthusiastic (note: Im okay may sound like a good answer, but it could be that your child is avoiding the subject and not sharing his or her true feelings), it may be useful to probe further.
It is important not to dismiss your childs feelings if he or she expresses concern, says Dr. Regev, who adds that promising your child that everything is going to be okay may not put the worry to rest and may result in him or her not sharing their feelings for fear of being dismissed.
Instead, try to validate your childs feelings without agreeing with him or her that there is cause for worry. Reflect his or her feelings. For example, if your son is worried about his new teacher, you can say, Youre worried that your new teacher might not like you.
This reflection makes them feel understood and may be enough to calm him down. As a rule, validating someones feelings without necessarily trying to solve the problem may be more effective than saying there is no problem, says Dr. Regev.
Last year, when Vancouver mom Maria* discovered her daughter was experiencing anxiety over her new class, which did not include her best friend, she found that just letting her daughter talk her feelings out helped immensely.
At first, I tried to offer solutions, but that seemed to make her even more upset, Maria recalls. So I stopped trying to be a problem-solver and just let her talk to me while I listened. After about 10 minutes of her talking it out, she was calmer and able to carry on. The anxiety didnt disappear, but my daughter realized that talking things out can help her cope.
Asking your child what would help them feel more secure may give them a sense of being listened to and cared for and give them a sense of empowerment.
Rather than suggesting solutions, ask your child to be a full participant in solving his or her problem, recommends Dr. Regev. Youd be amazed at the ideas that a five- or six-year-old can come up with.
If your child has problems with academic achievement, Dr. Regev says, it's important to get them help, such as a tutor. This may make a big difference in how they feel about themselves and school.
If your child is moving to a new school, you could visit the school and practice driving or walking there a few times to get him or her more familiar with the new surroundings.
School-related anxiety can be something that surfaces throughout the year, so be sure to check in with your child every day. Ask your child specific questions (What part of the day did you like most? or What interesting thing happened at school today?), and not only listen to your childs answers, but be aware of your childs non-verbal behaviour like body language when he speaks. If you notice cringing behavior when he or she answers a particular question, probe further.
If however, your childs anxiety affects his or her sleep or being able to go to school, or if he or she tends to be clingy and has frequent crying spells, Dr. Regev suggests you may want to seek professional help from a registered psychologist or a family therapist.
Reminds Dr. Regev: Children whose parents are involved in their lives, inside and outside of school, fare best.
*Name changed upon request.
