Once upon a time, I worked at a lingerie boutique in Yaletown. When I was not studying behind the till, I was helping gorgeous Vancouver women figure out their proper bra size and dress up those breasts like a Christmas tree. While working there, I learned more things about feminine undergarments than most young punks would. I got to fake my way into a glamorous, sexy world, eight hours a day. It’s been years, but I will share my wisdom, as this is the season when clueless idiots attempt to buy lingerie for their significant others.
HANKY PANKY IS THE GREY GOOSE OF THONGS
Any lady who says "T-bars are so comfy" is a liar. The Hanky Panky brand is the Cadillac of women’s underwear. Hanky Panky is a seamless lace thong that women go buck wild for. It's mental. I remember we used to keep ours in cute, colourful balls in a glass tube in the middle of the store. Women would reach their manicured fists in there and fish out as many as they can grab in one go. I've seen fights over the last pair. You can order Hanky Panky online and the various cuts and styles hover around $20 per pair. They also have a members-only Hanky Panky club. I have no idea what that means or what one receives for joining the club. A yeast infection?
WHITE ON WHITE
You don't need to buy a special white bra to wear underneath white shirts unless your goal is to show your tits like teeth under black lights. Skin tones, ladies. Skin tones! It's shocking how many women over the age of 30 have yet to learn this.
ELLE MACPHERSON MAKES A MEAN LINGERIE SET
Elle knows what she is doing when it comes to lingerie. Underwire, lace and simple, sexy cuts. Elle is a supermodel so she has size-ism issues (her version of a C-cup is suitable for an anorexic child), but for those of you with tiny tits, this brand is cheap and pretty (just like you are).
WHY DO WE NEED NIPPLE CONCEALERS?
These silicone cups that fit right over your breasts are frankly stupid. Hard nipples look awesome! Did you know that in the ‘80s there was a bra that actually had built in nipples so you always seemed alert and horny? Nipples are good. Everyone has them. Don't hide. Wear your boob erection with pride.
SIZE IS BULLSHIT
Bra shopping sucks because you have to try things on. Nothing ever fits the same even if the label says so. If you wing it, chances are you'll get home and find out you just blew $90 bucks on an ill-fitting coat-hanger masquerading in lace. Don't be lazy, go in the change room and strip down. It only takes five minutes.
MEN ARE GROSS IN LINGERIE STORES
Most men act like retards in lingerie stores. They usually come in after a night of hard partying with a shame-over, sprinkled lightly with post-strip bar guilt. They think that buying their girlfriend some sexy shit will make up for the fact that they were too drunk to fuck when they rolled into bed the previous night. On the plus side, they have no clue about size or style and usually take all your suggestions as they throw down the cash. On the down side, after being asked, "Do you know your girlfriend’s bra size?" they often stare long and hard at your chest and then reply, "Yeah, she's like, I dunno, a bit bigger than you?”
