Dating today seems like an absolute garbage dump. I don’t envy any of you who are looking for love in 2017. Yeah, maybe this makes me sound like an old hag, but I am what I am. At least, when I was single, I didn’t use terms like “bread crumbing”. We said “flirting.” Or, “Good at texting, bad in real life. So, pass.”
When you accept the terminology, you accept the behaviour along with it. It’s now a “thing” to be expected. Who knows? Maybe this is all a hoax, but something tells me these terms are real.
“BREAD CRUMBING”
According to Thought Catalog, “bread crumbing” is when one sends out flirtatious but non-committal text messages in order to lure a sexual partner into giving them attention without expending too much effort. I recently read about a new app that allows you to give a virtual blow job just by licking your phone. Teledictonics allow men and women to fuck through their laptop while hooked up to Fleshlights and vibrators like horny lab rats. Pretty soon, a “date” (oh, excuse me: a “hangout”) will consist of connecting with someone via video chat, but just texting while you look at one another and lick your MacBook.
“MOONING”
When someone “moons” you, they turn off the notifications for your messages because they don’t care about you, but possibly would like to use you for comfort, or sex, later on. Apparently, the term refers to the half-moon symbol that appears when you turn notifications off on a text-message thread.
“TUNING”
“Tuning” is basically just manipulation via text. Let’s say you hook up with someone and go on a few dates, but realize you’re probably much more into them than they are into you. The tuner is the loser here. A tuner will try to manipulate the other person into changing their mind through charming text flirtations and pushing the boundaries of your relationship. Then things just start to get embarrassing.
“UMFRIEND”
An “umfriend” is text-talk for “friend with benefits.” If you’re immature enough to use this term, then the odds of your “umfriend” situation working out are about as high as Taylor Swift writing a dissertation about black metal.
“DTR”
“DTR” (or “Define the Relationship”) just refers to that awkward moment when the person who wants the relationship to move to the next level attempts to force what could happen organically by asking his or her partner, “So, what are we?” This is always a bad move that will end in termination. As Elaine once said on Seinfeld, “I’m trying to get a little squirrel to come over to me here. I don’t want to make any big, sudden movements. I’ll frighten him away!” This goes for all genders. Let things happen naturally.
“EXING”
“Exing” refers to someone who is so obsessed with their ex that they create situations – both online and “IRL” – that create tension or drama with said person. When I was 21, I was a total “exer.” I did horrid, embarrassing things to ruin my ex-boyfriend’s potential new relationships. One time, I even threw a rocks at his window when I knew he had brought home a girl from the bar. Yeah, I was crazy. That’s what self-medicating one’s estrogen with drugs and binge drinking does to a young woman.
