Nearly a decade after Will & Grace gave every shut-in cat lady a gay BFF, and with openly gay teens now singing musical numbers on primetime TV, you, as an open-minded person of the heterosexual persuasion, may think you know all about us. You dont. We are a diverse and multi-faceted community of beautiful, individual snowflakes that defy classification except within the rigid caste system we created to segregate ourselves from each other. Whether its your first time or youre a regular Pride Parade spectator, you will doubtless be exposed to strange costumes and customs. (We gays feel a similar disorientation every time we venture out to your suburban cul-de-sacs for baby showers and backyard BBQs.) Herewith, a guide to help you navigate the choppy waters of our rainbow-coloured paradise:
Description: The Youth Wing of the Gay Party, Twinks are newly out and proud gays who have their whole lives ahead of them. Unfortunately, that life comes to a screeching halt once a Twink hits 29 or his chest hair starts to grow in, whichever happens first. Thats when the hot older men (Chickenhawks) lose interest and the poor confused dear has to start paying for his own drinks.
Subcategories: Chicken, Abercrombie Zombie, Gay-sian.
Celebrity Ideal: Shirtless Zac Efron.
Distinguishing Characteristics: Young, slim, hairless. Did we mention young?
The Essentials: iPhone loaded with Lady Gaga and Glee tunes, student ID.
Description: The apex predator of the gay world, the Muscle Queen spends an inordinate amount of time at the gym bolstering his self-worth. The cool jocks of the gay world, they often wont condescend to speak with the less hot, less buff masses. They particularly enjoy going shirtless, throwing parties whose sole purpose is to rub their swollen, tribal-tattooed pectorals against one another to a thumping backbeat. (That has to be the reason, because they certainly cant dance.)
Subcategories: Circuit Boy, Former Model.
Celebrity Ideal: Chris Evans but not his look-alike gay brother Scott because hes not hot enough.
Distinguishing Characteristics: Hairless, ripped, tanned, tanked.
The Essentials: Viagra, the mirror.
Description: As the scruffy name implies, Bears tend towards the more hirsute end of the depilatory scale. They also skew a little heavier and older. As a bitchy princess once said at The Pumpjack after one too many vodka sodas: Bears are just twinks who gave up. Bears are more down to earth and approachable than other gays, seemingly OK with letting it all hang out, not just their beer bellies.
Subcategories: Cub, Otter, Leather & Denim,
Celebrity Ideal: Andrew Sullivan.
Distinguishing Characteristics: Unfathomable body hair, aversion to deodorant.
The Essentials: Black boots, poppers, Levis.
Description: Our flamboyant ambassadors to the world, Drag Queens have been both lionized and ostracized by straights and gays alike for their gender-bending antics. High-maintenance and hair-triggered, anything can set a Drag Queen off, which is understandable considering how uncomfortable it is to walk around with your junk taped up into your butt crack. NEVER TRY TO UPSTAGE A DRAG QUEEN! You will lose. And shell cut a bitch.
Subcategories: Club Kid, Drag King, Princess.
Celebrity Ideal: Ru Paul.
Distinguishing Characteristics: Sequins, spirit gum, attitude.
The Essentials: Burned CD, hot mic, drink tickets.
Description: Every straight mans fantasy come true, Lipsticks nonetheless prefer the company of women. Named after their appreciation for traditional girlie pursuits (prettiness, makeup, hair conditioner), Lipsticks are driven, determined and downright sexy. The Lipstick knows she can get whatever she wants whenever she wants it with a combination of shrewdness and feminine wiles. Unlike other lesbians, Lipsticks dont often pair off, preferring to travel in packs like gay men or the cast of Sex and the City (aka gay men).
Subcategories: Femme, Lovebian, Bisexual, Freshman Year.
Celebrity Ideal: Portia DeRossi.
Distinguishing Characteristics: A sense of humour and an eating disorder.
The Essentials: Makeup, designer bag, heels.
Description: Traditionally, the Pride Parade opens with a phalanx of Butch mamas on roaring motorcycles. They deserve the honour because they have been the de facto image of lesbianism used by the Christian right to screw us gays. (Not to be confused with lesbian porn, which evangelicals use for a rather different screwing purpose.) Blunt, forceful and maybe bearded, the Butch often lives in the suburbs where she can find parking for her pickup.
Subcategories: Diesel, Handsome.
Celebrity Ideal: Rosie ODonnell.
Distinguishing Characteristics: Chip on shoulder, bag of chips in the glove compartment.
The Essentials: Leather jacket, apple cider.
Description: The handle for Gay Hipster, Gypsters are indistinguishable from their straight peers in that they all look ridiculous in their unisex skinny jeans, blowsy tops and oversized, 80s-style glasses. Boy and girl Gypsters can be found across the city, but seem to congregate at J.J. Bean locations, both in front of and behind the counter.
Subcategories: Art School Dropout, Film School Dropout, Creative Writing Program Dropout.
Celebrity Ideal: Zooey Deschanel and Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Distinguishing Characteristics: Ironic facial hair, ironic clothing, ignorance of the actual meaning of ironic.
The Essentials: iPhone complete with Hipstamatic App and bootleg Vampire Weekend B-sides.
Description: A same-sex couple for whom the pastoral pleasures of a track house in a subdivision are irresistible. Once exclusive to the lesbian demographic, gay men are increasingly joining the ranks of the Suburbigays, bringing a flair for design to areas once dominated by the overstuffed sofas on sale at The Brick.
Subcategories: Ruiners of Traditional Marriage.
Celebrity Ideal: Ward and June Cleaver.
Distinguishing Characteristics: Costco membership.
The Essentials: A golden retriever and invitro baby (for lesbians), or adopted Chinese daughter, named Rachel or Chloë (gay men).
