I went to a naked hot spring spa the other day and was surprised at how little body consciousness I had. I felt totally comfortable in this nude, co-ed environment walking around with all the other people. So why is it that when I am hooking up with a man for the first time, I feel self-conscious and insecure about my body? This makes no sense. What is wrong with me?
- Naked Shame
Dear Naked Shame,
I wish I could give you some one-love, hippy explanation about God-given beauty, nudity and nature, but I can't because that's not who I am. Plus, I'm more of the Camille Paglia school when it comes to the understanding of sexual dynamics. Paglia once wrote, "There is nothing less erotic than a nudist colony. Desire is intensified by ritual limitations." Again, in the same article she said, "Consciousness has made coward of us all. Animals do not feel sexual fear because they are not rational beings." Both of her ideas pertain to your problem.
You felt comfortable at the nudist spa because everyone was nude. It was socially acceptable, even encouraged. I'm sure that if you got into the sauna with a bathing suit on you would end up feeling embarrassed and self-conscious in that situation. The nudists would judge you for your bikini, some might even call you a "textile" and sneer behind your back. All humans are such insecure garbage sometimes, even the so-called free-spirited ones. Good for you for braving the spa of the flopping boobs and balls.
During sex with someone you want to impress, it is perfectly natural to feel aware of your body. Sexual attraction is about being excited by all of someone, and your body is a big part of that. Rational thought separates us from the animals. We arrest people for fucking in the park but not dogs because we have created a society that values our conscious thoughts. There's nothing wrong with feeling a little insecure about your body when you have sex with someone, but letting your neurosis destroy your brain so much that you do not remotely enjoy yourself or enjoy orgasm is a waste. Sex is about pleasure. This guy is in bed with you because he wants to fuck you. He thinks you are great, so why are you questioning if you are? I know it's not that simple and as humans we will never get over being conscious of our bodies and sexual desire, but doing things like walking around naked in a sauna with a bunch of strangers is probably good for someone like you. That's like a Mormon fucking with the lights on. I also recommend reading Paglia's essay Sex and Violence, or Nature and Art.
Nothing and everything is wrong with you. It's OK.
Love,
Mish
How do you go about steering a guy away from fingering your butt (if it's because you kind of have to poop) without scaring him off from ever doing it again? I don't want him to think I don't like it or something.
- Butt Scare
Dear Butt Scare,
The answer here is pretty logical. Put yourself in his position. What would you assume if you tried to go for the butt hole and were shooed away? You would assume one of three things: he thinks his butt hole might to too dirty to touch (it probably is, straight men's asshole's are generally disgusting unless they are high-maintenance metros who bleach), he has to shit or he is not into that kind of thing. How you shoo one off is also going to send a message. It's the difference between telling some "Hello M'Lady" hitting on you at a bar to "please kick rocks" vs. “fuck off before I slice you.” If you gently guide his hand away and distract him with something else (I find that putting his dick in your mouth works 250 per cent of the time), then you have skirted the issue without drawing attention to your bowel fear.
Now, next time you guys hook-up you have to be the one to initiate the fingering of your butt. Think of the Princess as your asshole and Bowser as your self-conscious shit fear. Bowser is gone, so let Mario at the Princess. In my experience, most men need at least three slaps to truly realize their "move" is unsuccessful, so you may not even have scared the dimwit off. Either way, I'm always a big backer of initiating exactly what you want during sex. I wish you the best of butt fingering.
Love,
Mish
