I like to think I am a progressive person when it comes to sex, love and relationships. I like to think I am into breaking the rules, playing with structures and venturing beyond vanilla, then why the hell am I finding myself planning what is turning into a real wedding?
In theory, the whole concept of marriage goes against pretty much everything I believe, whereas a wedding – a big, fun party full of booze, food, and friends – is my religion.
I currently have an engagement ring on my finger, which began as a symbol to let the world know that you, the woman, are taken and about to be the property of a man, so others better back off. And you should be grateful because god forbid you remain "single", a spinster! (Please see Jessica Valenti's "He's a Stud And She's A Slut".)
The whole idea of a father giving his daughter away to another man as though she is an object up for barter and trade. As though a woman could not possibly make it through life without the guidance of a man.
Then, there's the last name issue, which in today's world has thankfully become less and less common. If both partners love their names, why change them? Children possibly play a part in this decision too, which name would the child take? My aunt's last name is Bielski. She lived in England married to a "Smith". When they had two boys the children took the Bielski name. Her husband wanted their children to be able to carry on her family name as she had four sisters and one brother. He did not care about Smith.
If it were up to me, we would have gone down to the courthouse, gotten hitched, and that would be that. I'm more excited ab out the idea of committing to be with this person I love and starting our world together without kicking off the whole adventure with an expensive spectacle.
However, once you announce you are getting married the questions and pressure from family and friends kicks in: They want a wedding, god damn it. It's more about them than you. I love going to weddings as a guest, but the idea of having my own is a weird mix of excitement and stressful.
If you look at marriage as an institution, it can seem archaic and ugly but it's really just a commitment to beginning a life with the person you love most. A wedding is simply a (often ridiculously expensive) celebration of that love. That's a beautiful thing. I am going to do our wedding our own way, despite any pressure or expectations. I grew up with an understanding that the most important thing in life is your relationships to other people: friends, family and lovers.
I'm marrying my fiancé because I love him. He's my best friend. That's why anyone should marry, man, woman, gay, straight, trans: you should marry for love.
I grew up with an understanding that the most important thing in life is your relationships to other people: Friends, family, and lovers. I've tried to break down "love" by reading neurological case studies of the brain in love. Researchers such as Helen Fisher have been able to analyze the data so that we understand which parts of the membrane react and deconstruct it all down to science. If anything can take the poetry out of love, it's science; however, Fisher can't take the romance out of it, even in her public lectures. What does everyone person in this world want? Love.
It comes in all forms (I'm not saying marriage is a sign of success or completeness as a human; I'm just saying we all want love in our lives in some way, and we find it in a variety of satisfying ways), but love is love.
So, I'm going to try to not let the pressure of a wedding ruin what I deem to be an appropriate celebration for finding the man I want to be with forever. I'm going to satisfy my family and friends, and give them the party they want. But, most importantly, I am going to make sure my fiancé is happy. He's kind of the whole reason this thing is happening after all.
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