You may have noticed a slew of barley wines stocked on the shelves of your beloved beer stores/breweries. If you’re anything like me, you’ve never tried the stuff and have been put off by the name. “Barley wine?” you think, surveying the beer selection and glancing at this troublesome bottle, “What the hell is that? Sounds horrid!”
And so on. The truth is, people like us know very little about barley wine. Here’s what people like us know:
• Central City makes a well-regarded and award-winning barley wine called Thor’s Hammer.
• Barley wine is the derelict’s choice of drink in the UK, due to its high alcohol percentage and low cost.
• It occasionally comes in bottles with wax seals.
That’s about it. Based on a rather firm suggestion from my editor, I decided I would drink as much barley wine as I could in a single night and chart my progress. Y’know, as an education. Poison the body and report on the effects. Classic journalism.
Two things conspired against me on the evening the research was finally scheduled: 1) The night in question was Valentine’s Day and 2) barley wine isn’t the sort of drink that can be swiftly consumed, or drunk in the sort of quantities necessary to fuel an entertaining and educational journalistic endeavor.
Barley wine, or at least the two kinds I tried – Thor’s Hammer and Parallel 49’s barrel-aged versions – are thick, heavy and very boozy. Like, 11.8-per-cent-ABV boozy.
Sipping the first glass of Thor’s Hammer, I scanned the Journalist’s Best Friend and Most Trusted Ally, Wikipedia for some background: Barley wine is a style of strong ale originally brewed in England that typically reaches between eight and 12 per cent. It’s given the name wine due to its similar boozy strength to grape wine, but since it’s made from grain rather than fruit, it’s actually a beer.
Then again, Thor’s Hammer doesn’t really taste like beer. It’s thick and earthy, and a little sweet. It’s dark and intimidating, too. My wife never touched the tasting glass I gave her. It’s still sitting on the kitchen counter, in fact, at the time I’m writing this.
I can in no way account for it’s 92 per cent approval rating on Beer Advocate, other than the possibility that the rabid beer nerds that constitute the website’s contributor base have seared the top layer of skin off their tongues. If this beer had an aural equivalent, it’d be Animal Collective’s “Unsolved Mysteries”, where the individual ingredients are difficult to pinpoint and create a confounding and polarizing whole. To Hades with you, Thor!
By contrast, P49’s take – the latest in its Barrel Aged series – is sweeter, fruitier, lighter, and easier to drink, and therefore far more dangerous. My wife and I sipped a glass each while chomping down a late Valentine’s Day meal via our ever-reliable purveyors of quality product at McDonald’s.
By this point, I’ve stopped taking notes and am amidst a blissful, rather befuddled sort of drunk – the result of powerful ABV coupled with cautious sipping. Malice hums at the edges though. Drink too much barley wine, or drink it too fast, and you’re in for a savage few hours, no doubt.
That’s the lesson, folks: Respect the barley wine, because it won’t respect you.
Also, pair with McNuggets.
