You are what makes you drunk and horny. I think Sue Johanson said that.
CHAMPAGNE
You are aggressively fighting two inner forces: to blurt out everything you know about astrology and to pick out the massive wedgie your T-bar thong is ripping through your ass cheeks. Either way, one glass of that bubbly elixir and both your mouth and right hand are going to go wild with urgency. Resist with the strength of a thousand Dan Savages telling you NOT to text that dick face back. Sip slowly and make sure every burp peppers out of you like a delicate snowflake emoji. You look good because you put the time in before this date, so it would be a waste of lipgloss and glitter to get stupid drunk and 86 yourself from the bar. Your aura is forever, always flamingo pink.
GIN AND TONIC (IN A TALL GLASS)
You love the lazy hangover more than the drinking itself and your whole end game is to make sure you have obliterated yourself enough to merit an entire Netflix marathon the morning after. Plus, you are a slug who would rather sit still and hold in the liquid rather than have to get up and grab another drink. The tall glass is a metaphor for your whole life. You are the kind of person who tries to juggle six grocery bags from the car to the front door even though the load requires two trips. You are an over achiever when it comes to the things that don't matter. You've seen every episode of Chopped at least three times. Comfort is in the habitual. You own two packs of week day underwear and use it as your calendar.
MAKERS MARK NEAT
When you were a kid, you aspired to be a cowboy. Then, you saw Smokey and the Bandit and realized life was all about going fast on machines, not ponies. Your car out front is as bright as the sun and when your date sees the ride you have in your back pocket, you will have this in the bag. You drink slow and calm, like a bathtub with a tiny leak trying to fill up. You never get too drunk on purpose. After all, no one drove Smokey home but Smokey. Sally Field did not put out for sloppy drunks.
THE CHEAPEST BOTTLED BEER
Fickle yet cheap, you trust no one (especially not that dopey bartender who probably never bothers to clean the draft beer lines). Your apartment is cold, calculated and clean as a whistle, but only when you are expecting company. Otherwise, you are like any other cheap bastard, leaving half-empty bowls of 90-cent ramen on your desk for days at a time. You charm your date with constant conversation and a charming ridiculousness that only a teenaged Pamela Des Barres would appreciate. Your friends call you George Costanza behind your back, but you know you are frugal and you don't care. Isn't saving money a valuable life skill? Fiscal showboating is for morons.
A CLASSIC MANHATTAN
You are so deeply influenced by powerful people, you decided you liked Manhattans after the prettiest girl you ever knew told you that was the drink de jour of Cuban club owners. You miss your ex, because she listened to Lana Del Rey and without her, blasting it alone in your apartment feels as sad as a cat in a wheelchair. You love a good cigar and wear your heart on your denim sleeve.
A LOCAL CRAFT BEER
It doesn't matter that the book you were reading in the corner of the bar got knocked over by some drunk chick on her way to the bathroom. Your prop finally did its job; now you have an excuse to show her all the wonders of Alexander Trocchi’s prose. But right now, you are on a date and even though you aren't lurking alone in a dim corner, you still can’t break the old habit of having to pretend your are a salt-of-the-earth, I-dream-of-Portland, kind of old soul. Shag carpet is sexy. You like a ‘70s bush. You memorize every porn scene you watch and compare every human being with tits to Sophia Loren.
A BELLINI
Get out of here, Junior. Just because your aunt snuck you that sugary cocktail ONCE at Earls, doesn't mean you are a woman. Don't you have PE class at 8am tomorrow morning?
