In every love affair there is always one who loves and one who permits himself to be loved.
French epigram
Weve all seen it and some have even been involved in it. Im talking about an unequal relationship where one person appears to love the other person more than the other person loves them. In psychology, we call this dynamic the principle of least interest. Those that are involved in this type of relationship may often experience more classic advice fed to them by their friends than in any other situation.
This advice include hes just not that into you or you can do better. Some people may even believe that its never anyones heart that is broken but rather their pride because someone they like does not reciprocate the same feelings. All the above may very well be true but to the person involved it often falls on deaf ears.
I often see this phenomenon with couples that have decided to come into therapy. One partner is often motivated to work on their relationship while the other sits back and goes for the ride. The more invested partner often feels they have more to lose than the one that is less invested. The less involved partner is also perceived to control the direction in which the relationship is heading. We cannot make someone do or feel something and even if we manage to coerce our partner into enacting that behaviour it feels inauthentic. So why do more involved partners even try while knowing the payoff is low?
I have a friend who was involved in an unequal relationship after coming out of a divorce. She played the role of an attentive girlfriend who made sure his favourite things would be in his apartment when he came home from a work trip. She appreciated all the things he did and was dedicated to being there for him during difficult times. In an equal relationship, this can be conducive of a stable and satisfying relationship. However, when one person is less invested the dynamic shifts and it becomes easy to exploit the efforts of the more involved partner. My friend never thought the relationship would end but it finally did after four years.
Many people will look at a situation like that my friends and say she was taken for granted. They are right. Psychologists researching this area have found some interesting results associated with this phenomenon:
1. Unequal involvement decreases satisfaction and stability in relationships.
2. This kind of relationships often ends within two years with the less interested party usually initiating the breakup. Their level of emotional involvement is usually quite stable over time.
3. The more emotionally involved partner usually experiences anxiety and insecurity that interferes with their ability to engage with their partner in a healthy manner. They also tend to experience higher levels of negative emotions.
4. The less involved partner often has more control in how the relationship progresses and experiences less emotional distress post breakup.
If we look at the results of research, the likelihood this relationship will work out in the long run is bleak.
So back to the question: why do some people continue to be involved in an unequal relationship. The answer lies within that persons relationships with others. The less involved person often provides an important need in their partners life that is not present in their other relationships. Dependence on the less involved partner to provide that need increases and keeps them in the cycle of never having enough to move the relationship towards stability and emotional safety.
Of course every relationship moves at its own pace but if you are starting to find that there is an imbalance in your relationship, here are some questions to ask yourself, courtesy of therapist Amie Gordon from the University of California, Berkeley:
1. How committed are you to each other? Is this person a potential life partner, someone youre dating or just a fling?
2. Would your partner do the same for you?
3. Does your partner know its a sacrifice?
4. Can you negotiate?
When it comes to deciding whether you should stay or go, I can sum it up: you dont want to be with someone who you can live with. Instead it should be someone who would not want to be without you.
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Amy Yew is a researcher and therapist. Tell us what you think and submit any questions you have to [email protected]. You can also tweet your thoughts on Twitter @AmyYew.
