Why do good girls like bad guys or continue to like someone who has hurt them significantly? This is a question as old as time. Last week, Oprah Winfrey sat down with singer Rihanna where she talked openly about her relationship with singer Chris Brown that ended with Brown physically assaulting her in 2009.
In the interview, Rihanna stated: "Everyone is going to say he's a monster without looking at the source. I was more concerned about him." She called Brown's actions a cry for help and that they are now working on their friendship and still believes that he is the love of her life. Rihanna also talked about the loneliness and loss she felt after that incident. Even though Brown has moved onto a new relationship, there have been rumours that Brown has made it clear to his girlfriend that Rihanna is his true love.
If we haven't witnessed this kind of relationship in the media we can certainly think of someone in a relationship where both parties are simply not good for each other. These relationships are often highly passionate and toxic at the same time. As friends or perhaps family members to those people the first thing that comes to mind is to tell the person to leave the relationship. Your friend will usually agree with you, but just when it seems they will cut the rope they are back together with their other person again while your phone calls go unanswered.
This type of relationship dynamic can be difficult to break. Their partner is still someone they love and have shared beautiful moments with. The negative incidents that occurred usually live in isolation in their mind from the love they feel for their partner. Furthermore, the passionate love these partners feel for each other is often intense and the main concern after conflict is to restore the "good feelings." There is also usually a feeling of confusion because of the incongruence between their actions and how they feel. They also tend to visualize their partner in a positive light. Similar to the chemical reactions of drugs on our body, an intense passionate love can make it difficult to not reach for it again.
The fact is when you force someone to make a choice you can be certain you are pushing them away. I think it's always more helpful to come from a place of curiosity rather than judgment with friends in difficult relationships. If it were that simple to walk away they probably would have already. As a friend who is trying to be helpful, we can sometimes inadvertently cause more harm and isolation than good if we impose our beliefs onto others.
Here are some helpful questions you can ask:
1. Can you truly accept your partner just the way he/she is at this moment? (This helps to distinguish what is rather than what could be.)
2. Are both parties willing to work on the relationship together?
3. How do you see your life if you stayed together? How do you see your life if you left?
It might sound dramatic but you could die of a broken heart. Feelings of loneliness and experiences of severe loss have been linked to early death. These individuals often experience higher levels of stress and depression and affect your immune system and cardiovascular functioning.
Perhaps the allure to bad boys is that they always seem so close to being who we want them to be that we rationalize away our physical and emotional safety. We will always try to look past the flaws of those we love but in reality love can sometimes be the biggest barrier to attaining our own happiness.
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Amy Yew is a researcher and therapist. Tell us what you think and submit any questions you have to [email protected]. You can also tweet your thoughts on Twitter @AmyYew.
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