There is a slight feud going on the world of relationship experts. It started with the most read article in Huffington Post history written by Tracy McMillan on the six reasons why women are not married. She boldly suggests the following reasons on why female readers out there may still be single. This is a synopsis of her six points:
1. You're a b***h: She points to the fact that single girls may be angry without knowing it themselves. She suggests your female anger is terrifying men and scaring them all away. (She even referenced the likeability of Kim Kardashian to most men because she is agreeable and smiley.)
2. You're shallow: This one is quite straightforward. She suggests if you were looking for a man of character you would have found one by now. Instead you are looking for superficial qualities that keep you in the dating loop.
3. You're a slut: If you're not in a committed relationship and having sex with a person it'll lead nowhere.
4. You're a liar: This one is all about how you are lying to yourself about not wanting to get married. You fear that a guy may run away if you say you want a commitment or to get married so convince yourself that by choice you don't want a relationship.
5. You're selfish: In this one she states you are one of two things. You are either too focused on a career to include anyone else or you're too focused on your looks to risk gaining the weight on your thighs that may come with being in a marriage.
6. You're not good enough: She suggests that you are probably not looking for an equal but someone who is better than you are.
She ends the article with saying that men often understand that marriage is not about getting something and it is women who are the ones that don't get it. So why do men understand better than women? Her answer is this: "Probably because for [men] marriage involves sacrificing their most treasured possession -a free-agent penis-and for [women], it's the culmination of a princess fantasy so universal, it built Disneyland."
Wow! Single ladies out there should take deep breaths. That is one nasty pill to swallow if you subscribe to this admitted three-time divorcee who claims she now has the answer for getting you to the altar.
I suggest these points to consider while reading McMillan's article:
Being "angry" or having a chip on your shoulder is inclusive of both married and single people. Also, didn't Kim Kardashian divorce after 72 days of marriage? Clearly just smiling and agreeing doesn't work for very long. Men may like a woman who is agreeable but they often respect a partner who has a voice and uses it effectively.
People who are shallow are probably not looking for a marriage built on love and even shallow people get married.
The true test of intimacy is also built on an emotional connection. Having sex with a person when you're not in a relationship does not make you a slut. If that were the case, I think a large percentage of the population will be guilty of that. Everybody moves at a different pace and a relationship develops over time. Note that McMillan cautions against "slutty" behaviour but for men a free agent penis is considered a treasured possession. It appears that sluts pertain only to women and not men, according to McMillan.
Many married women are also entrepreneurs. I don't believe that women have to sacrifice a career for a relationship and there are many examples of women in contemporary society that embody this point. I'm sure they would gladly share what they have but also be smart about who to share it with.
Finally, as for finding someone who is your equal, this is a savvy notion that people like to throw out but it is difficult in its execution. Here's why. How are you going to measure if a person is "better" than you are? Is there a scoring card that weighs one quality against another as "better" than others? Remember that each person has qualities they wish to see in a partner they would like to be with and that can differ from one person to another. It is nearly impossible to set a standard when what we are attracted to can differ significantly.
Relationships are not a battle of sexes but rather a goal towards understanding what each partner needs from each other. It would be ideal if we had a recipe or a list that will ensure happiness, love or marriage but we don't. Love is something you create together based on acceptance and growth. It reaches far beyond guidelines on how to change who you are to attract someone you are probably not compatible with because you are creating an illusion. McMillan's tips may get you the proposal but whether they are conducive to creating a happy marriage that lasts is questionable.
***
Amy Yew is a researcher and therapist. Tell us what you think and submit any questions you have to [email protected]. You can also tweet your thoughts on Twitter @AmyYew.
