Vancouver-based relationship coach Tara Caffelle is known as the Relationship Fairy Godmother. She’s not going to be able to fix your romance problems with the wave of her wand, but she’ll help you and your significant other pick up your own wands and swirl away the bullshit yourselves. (With positivity and cognitive strategy, of course.) Unlike a marriage counsellor, Caffelle gets in there before the problems start, adding guidance and wisdom while helping you and your partner become stronger and more connected.
I asked Caffelle about her practice and why relationship coaching can be as necessary as your daily workout.
Why did you become a relationship counsellor?
What led me to working specifically with people in relationships is that I was always drawn to, and fascinated by, how couples interact, and how strong relationships – like the ones I grew up around – can really be a springboard for the success of the whole family. It was a natural progression from the work I was doing with individual clients.
What exactly does a Relationship Fairy Godmother do?
For the duration of my work with my clients…, I’m really like a secret weapon-slash-teammate in the relationship. I work with the couple and the individuals in the relationship to not just be “okay,” but to be incredible together. Our sessions become a soft place for them to land and grow together. Clients I worked with a few years ago started to call me their Fairy Godmother, and the name stuck.
Isn’t there a perception that all therapists are actually full-blown crazy themselves? What makes you sane and ready to facilitate?
I can only speak for myself as a coach. I’ve worked with my own coach throughout my entire career – not because I need one, but because I like having a strategist to work with behind the scenes of my own life and business. In addition, a big part of my training and certification was working on my own blind spots and limiting habits. In my career, I’ve facilitated many groups and have extensive training to do so, and that’s what makes me quite qualified.
Why do you think people only go and see a relationship counsellor when it’s dire or they’re “in trouble”? How do we remove the stigma of third-party help?
I think a lot of couples may choose to visit a therapist when their relationship is perhaps in dire condition for a number of reasons. It can actually make breaking up safer and easier to do, and it may be a last resort because it’s seen as shameful or there’s been failure to fix it on their own.
My clients aren't typically in this position, and choose to work with a skilled and powerful coach for the same reason that a team like the Canucks would: to take something that’s functioning pretty well and reach an even better – Stanley Cup – level. I know there’s a lot of hesitation to talk about anything relationship-related, even when things are going well, and it’s part of my work to normalize these conversations and bring them out in the open. It’s just a relationship, and we’re all in them in one form or another. So while it’s super important to be conscious and mindful, it’s also a thing we shouldn’t be afraid to talk about.
Have you ever seen a couple with troubles that they just couldn’t work through? Would you ever suggest a couple break up?
I have worked with couples who have chosen not to stay together, and some have even sought me out to support them in making their separation amicable, perhaps because I was able to do that at the conclusion of my own 14-year marriage. It absolutely breaks my heart when it happens, and I’m always humbled to witness it. I approach each couple I work with as a neutral third party in service of their relationship. So while I will tell them what I see, I won’t suggest that they break up unless I can hear that it’s in the space between them and perhaps needs to be brought into the open.
What are the rules for solid communication?
Make and share your observations about what you see and hear: “It feels really tense between us right now. Can we talk about what’s happening?” Take responsibility to ask for what you need from your partner. Don’t be afraid to have it be a little messy – you can always recover if you’re respectful. And finally, separate behaviours from character traits; for example, your partner may act in a selfish way, but they’re not necessarily selfish. Big difference.
What are your tips for communicating while in an argument with your partner?
I would say that we seem to spend a lot of time in arguments formulating what we’re going to say next, and if, instead, we sought to understand our partner, we may have a different experience. In addition, I always tell clients that it’s important to take breaks if one of you is feeling overwhelmed and unable to continue. This is a physiological response we call “flooding.” You can continue the discussion at any time, and it’s never a bad idea to cool off and gain some perspective.
Do you think people give up on relationships too quickly these days?
I think they do and they don’t. The old paradigm of marriage is shifting and, in the interest of human sustainability, I think we should be looking out for what makes us happy and how we can be fulfilled in our lives. At the same time, there’s something to be said for commitment and dedication to a relationship, and the key in that is to continue to grow as individuals, but together, and hold the other’s fulfillment with as high a regard as you hold your own.
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