Every year, the Courier scours the darkest recesses of Vancouver and the Internet for exotic, weird and just plain wrong gift ideas for the holiday season. This year, bacon maintained its porky grip on the masses, as did moustache-related memorabilia and all things geeky. Throw in a few inappropriate drinking utensils, some Jedi-inspired bedroom wear and the bottled scent of baby scalp and you've got the makings for a very special Christmas.
CAT UNICORN HORN
$7.98 at Urban Empire, 1108 Commercial Dr., urbanempire.ca
Everyone knows cats love having things attached to their heads - be it sailor hats, Viking helmets or pieces of bread - so why not harness Cat Albert's mystical powers by transforming him into a majestic unicorn. This 14-centimetre long inflatable horn comes with a four-point elastic strap system that should hold the horn comfortably on your cat's head for at least five seconds until he tears it off and claws it to death. But what a magical five seconds it'll be.
GOLD MEDAL BOTTLE OPENER
$14 at Front and Company, 3772 Main St., frontandcompany.ca
You've already proven you're a champion by drinking a case of delicious brews in under an hour, so why not let the world - or at least the partygoers you're about to hit on/vomit in front of - know, too. Equipped with a 31-inch tri-coloured ribbon and gold-toned medal, this little utilitarian ode to achievement signals you've arrived and are ready to climb atop the podium of alcoholism even though you've yet to master the screw cap.
STAR TREK FOOTED PAJAMAS
$64.99 at jumpinjammerz.com
Whether you consider yourself a Kirk, Scotty or Bones in the intergalactic sack, boldly go where few people wearing Star Trek Footed Pajamas have gone before. to bed with another consenting adult. These classic footed pajamas made to resemble the stylish uniforms from the original Star Trek television series not only come with full frontal zip, rank cuffs and a delta shield, they'll give new meaning to the commands "Beam me up" and "Phasers set to stun" . or not.
GOLDEN SCORPION COMPUTER MOUSE
$26 at gadgetsandgear.com
You always considered yourself the sexy badass of the office, sending emails, saving documents, updating Excel spreadsheets competently and with minimal dialogue - just like Ryan Gosling in Drive. Take it to the next level with this bitchin' computer mouse that contains a real golden scorpion sealed inside a clear case, preserved and dried so you can marvel at its pincers and stinger while you're shopping online for toothpicks and 1973 Chevelles on Craigslist - that is, as soon as you totally format that document for your boss.
YODA BATHROBE
$39.99 at perpetualkid.com
Rarely get laid wearing this, you will. This officially licensed Lucasfilm robe uses the force and a few dozen overseas factory workers to transform the wisest Jedi into a comfortable household garment to cloak the slovenly masses. the way Obi-Wan Kenobi would have wanted it.
1980S RETRO IPHONE CASE
$20 at Urban Outfitters
You already make your photos look old, overexposed and grainy, so why not fully commit to the ironic appreciation of out-of-date technology with this oversized case that turns your sleek smart-phone into something clunky and impractical. Plus as far as quirky retro gifts that harken back to quainter times goes, it's a lot less inconvenient than polio.
CHOCOLATE GAMING DICE
$7.99 at thinkgeek.com
Roll a six for agility, nine for strength and 20 for deliciousness with these edible gaming dice. Made of Ghirardelli chocolate, with no dwarf fighters harmed in the process, you'll be slaying Orcs and feasting on the spoils of chocolaty goodness in no time. And don't worry about putting on a few pounds - that's what your cloak of invisibility is for.
VANCOUVER NEON SIGNS MAGNETS AND KEYCHAINS
$8 at Walrus, 3408 Cambie St., walrushome.com
Not only do these miniature reproductions of the Smilin' Buddha Cabaret, Owl Drugs, Drake Hotel and S. Bowell and Sons Funeral Home signs from Museum of Vancouver's Neon Vancouver collection look stylish, they'll remind you of our city's disappearing heritage every time you go to the fridge for a glass of milk.
PLUSH RYAN KESLER DOLL
$21.99 at shop.nhl.com
With the lack of NHL hockey this year, desperate fans will take any form of comfort they can from their beloved Canucks. Behold the Plush Ryan Kesler Doll. Measuring 14-inches soft, the Kesler doll could easily be confused for Kevin Bieksa or Nickelback frontman Chad Kroeger and sadly doesn't come with a shirtless option, but it's the next best thing to the man himself. Plus if he ever falls over, for once it will be because of gravity instead of trying to draw a penalty. Oh snap.
BACON STOCKING
$14.98 at Urban Empire
Who would have thought bacon's ascent to the top of the kitschy gift throne would have lasted this long. Not only has it outlasted toast, left pickles behind to steep in their own brine and kept up with the hairy hordes of moustache memorabilia, bacon has proven itself to be the gift that keeps on giving with the Bacon Christmas Stocking. We could go on about the paradox of putting something into a piece of meat rather than the other way around but that would be crude and take away from bacon's inherent nobility.
BACON TIE
$24 at Front and Company
Ah yes, the bacon strip tie. Helping people hook up on Plenty of Fish since never.
CAGNEY AND LACEY 30-YEAR ANNIVERSARY BOX SET
$149.95 at visual-entertainment-inc. myshopify.com
Tyne Daly and Sharon Gless fans, your menopausal cries have been answered. Cagney & Lacey, The Complete Collection: 30th Anniversary Limited Edition boasts a shawl-stretching 36 (!) DVDs including the pilot episode, the "lost season" and a handful of reunion movies from the Emmy-winning police procedural, which aired on CBS for seven seasons from 1981 to 1988. In your face, The Wire.
DEEP TEA DIVER
$18 at Front and Company
Want a little more excitement in your pot of Rooibos? The next best thing to leaving the house and interacting with actual human beings, the Deep Tea Diver lets tea drinkers get all Cousteau on their warm beverage exploits and explore the underwater frontier of loose-leaf tea. Just fill the silicone diving helmet with your favourite tea, attach the stainless steel "air tank" that serves as a counterweight and let the whimsy wash over you.
RETRO ARCADE PONCHO
$12 at Front and Company
Discover the fine line between adorable and creepy whenever it rains with these plastic odes to Pac Man's ghostly pursuers and repelling precipitation. With these colourful plastic monstrosities, a heavy downpour will no longer mean "game over," although the same can't be said for your love life.
VINDERPANTS
$15 to $18 at Urban Empire and Front and Company
No, there's nothing remotely disturbing about dressing a wine bottle in a cloth holder fashioned out of little boys white Y-front gaunch. Why would you ask such a silly thing? A wine carrier that looks like lederhosen or jean overalls on the other hand - that would be ridiculous. Oh, they have those, too? And they're called Vinderhosen and Vinderalls? Never mind.
MOUSTACHE PACIFIER
$12.95 at Urban Empire
While your newborn is busy draining your bank account and killing your dreams, why not make your little vomit and poo machine look a whole lot cooler and ready for his or her first Pabst Blue Ribbon. Plus it'll look so cute on Instagram. May we suggest the "Lo-fi" or "1977" filter.
BABY'S HEAD SMELL LAVATORY MIST
$15.98 at Urban Empire
I was always under the impression babies smelled like sour milk, leftover placenta and disappointment, but apparently they smell a lot like talcum powder and scalp. At least that's what I'm picking up from this bottle of fontanelle-inspired room freshener. Not to be used as a cologne. because that would be wrong.
POST RIOT BOARD RUG
$6,200 at Harvey Burritt's 2nd Century Rug Company, 3594 Main St., burrittcarpets. com
Take home a piece of the Stanley Cup riot without the smoke inhalation, gasoline burns, broken glass or looting. Modelled after one of the plywood boards that covered downtown storefronts post-riot, the eight-by-10-foot rugs, hand-woven in Nepal, showcase some of the inspirational-bordering-on-saccharine messages written by passersby denouncing the riot and expressing love for Vancouver. Sure, it marks a low point for our city and gives further credence to Gustave Le Bon's theories on mob mentality, but damn if it doesn't pull a room together and perfectly complement a flint grey, three-piece sectional, yo.
PRESCRIPTION RX SHOT GLASSES
$26 for four at Front and Company
Whether you drink to kill the pain or lower your inhibitions so you can give it your all singing Pearl Jam's "Jeremy" at karaoke, shot glasses that look like prescription pill bottles are a stylish, some might say reckless, addition to anyone's booze or medicine cabinet.
CRIME SCENE SCARF
$19.99 at Vancouver Police Museum, 240 East Cordova St., vancouverpolicemuseum. ca
While your casual Fridays ensemble of stonewash jeans, fleece jacket and bulbous "athletic" shoes qualifies as a crime scene, why not make it official with the Crime Scene Scarf. Even better, like most of your wardrobe, it's acrylic with a hint of spandex for extra flammability.
FISTICUP COFFEE MUG
$17.99 at Vancouver Police Museum
Show those palookas at Starbuck's just who's boss with this ceramic coffee mug with brass knuckles for a handle. Now no one will smirk when you order that caramel machiato with extra foam except your overworked belt.
VPD COLLECTOR CAR
$39.99 at Vancouver Police Museum
For a fraction of the cost of a jaywalking fine, this replica police car allows owners to get up close and personal with the VPD's four wheels of justice without the usual inconveniences of uncomfortable handcuffs and a criminal record. Plus it's the next best thing to a Police Chief Jim Chu Teddy Bear, which would naturally be called The Fuzz.
VANCOUVER GRIZZLIES FLOORBOARDS
$13,000 at craigslist.ca
Although it's been more than a decade since the Vancouver Grizzlies brought its unique blend of failure, hubris and indifference to local NBA fans, it's not too late to own a piece of Vancouver's short-lived professional basketball history. For some reason, the building that used to house the training court for the Vancouver Grizzlies has never been ransacked in all these years and the floorboards are up for grabs. Hey, isn't that Mike Bibby's shoe scuff? Shareef Abdur-Rahim's sweat stain? A dried puddle of barbecue sauce from Bryant "Big Country" Reeve's delicious double-decker sandwich? Dare to dream.
SMENCILS
$14.95 at vat19.com
High tech gimmicks like iPads have nothing on these scented learning tools. Answering such age old questions as "What if you combined the smell of 'tropical blast' with a writing utensil" and "People still use pencils?" Smencils Gourmet Scented pencils get the lead out with 10 invigorating scents including bubblegum, cherry, root beer, cotton candy and you'd think Teacher's Special Thermos. But alas, no.
50 SHADES OF GREY BABY ONESIE
$15 at etsy.com
E.L. James's astonishingly popular and seemingly unedited S&M trilogy 50 Shades of Grey is not only responsible for every Random House employee receiving a $5,000 Christmas bonus this year but a booming cottage industry of 50 Shades product tie-ins, from classical albums to sex toys to the next logical and uncomfortable step - baby clothes. Sure, a baby onesie that sports the image of handcuffs alongside the words "Nine Months Ago My Mommy Read 50 Shades of Grey" is hardly subtle, but neither is it when the muscle inside the deepest, darkest part of you clenches in the most delicious fashion until your inner goddess is beside herself, hopping from foot to foot while anticipation hangs over your head like a tropical storm cloud. [email protected]
Twitter: @MidlifeMan1
COZY CLASSICS: MOBY DICK, PRIDE AND PREJUDICE
$9.95, mycozyclassics.com
Who has the time and stamina to read classic novels such as Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice or Herman Melville's Moby Dick to their kids and explain how the conflict between the individual and nature brings into play the theme of religion and God's role in the natural world? Thankfully, local twin brothers Jack and Holman Wang have artfully distilled some of the world's most beloved literary works into 12 simple, baby-friendly words complete with photographs of painstakingly crafted needle-felted figures and objects. Upcoming releases include, in all seriousness, Victor Hugo's Les Miserables, and Leo Tolstoy's War and Peace. No word yet on any plans for a version of 50 Shades of Grey. But that would be hot.
