It’s Christmas morning. You’re handed a large, gift-wrapped box that just might be that new Music Hall MMF-5.1WH turntable from Red Cat Records you’ve been dying for. Strangely, the gift is quite a bit lighter than it should be, judging by the size of the parcel. You eagerly unwrap it and realize to your dismay that the packaging is a cruel ruse. Here’s the spin: inside the box is but a small, thin envelope. Inside the envelope is… a $25 gift card to Tim Horton’s. Christmas is officially warped.
Allow me to declare it once and for all: gift cards are the worst holiday gift ever, right up there with bathroom scales and acne cream. Gift cards say “you know what, I’m frankly just too damn lazy to spend any of my precious time thinking about what you actually want for Christmas, so here’s a gift card. Go out Christmas shopping for me, after Christmas is over, so you can buy yourself a Christmas gift from me. You do the legwork. I’m done here”. That’s what gift cards say. The thought doesn’t count if there’s no thought.
The gift card is (mostly) a sham for both the gift giver and receiver. The only winner in the gift card racket is the store where the card is bought, because the store gets to snatch up your lazy money in exchange for a thin piece of plastic, making the solid gamble that your loved one will be so dismissive at receiving a gift card for Christmas or Hanukkah, they’ll forget to actually use it. Most gift cards quietly gather in junk drawers, never to be seen again this decade.
Don’t believe me? According to MarketWatch.com, over $1 billion in gift cards go unredeemed annually. $1 billion unredeemed. That’s some evil genius stuff right there: prey on the laziness of the gift-giver and the forgetfulness of the gift-getter for a bonanza profit.
If you do remember to redeem your shitty gift card, what costs $25 exactly, anyway? Despite heavily favouring Cartems Donuterie or Lucky’s Doughnuts, say you force yourself to slum it out at Tim Horton’s and purchase three-dozen donuts for $23, in a gluttonous attempt to eat away the memories of your careless friend. $2 remains on the card, which you’ll likely never use, and the store already has.
An acquaintance recently received an Apple Store gift card from a neighbour after she helped him out. Wow, the Apple Store, how generous, eh? She excitedly rushed down to Pacific Centre to cash in her gift card with visions of the new iPad Pro dancing in her head, only to find out the card was for a whopping $10. Ironically, the only thing priced that low at the Apple Store was an iTunes gift card. She couldn’t even buy the new Adele album. Hello, she now thinks her neighbour is a jerk.
If you still aren’t convinced, think of the children. For kids, Christmas is all about the tangibles. Remember when you were a child, ripping the Santa Claus gift wrapping off the Stars Wars action figures or the Strawberry Shortcake dolls, immediately putting them into play on the living room rug? Imagine a wide-eyed, consumer-hungry child tearing open their Christmas gift only to receive… a gift certificate for piano lessons that start in February. Even if you want to play the piano, that’s still oh-so-very-lame for Christmas morning. Kids can’t play with gift cards. Adults forget they exist.
This holiday season, do your part to reverse the gift card spin.
